Yes, perhaps–as you suggest–I am some sort of a “rescuer.” That thought has crossed my mind a few thousand times…at least. The thing that I wonder about is what “keeps” me from finding–much less enjoying–any other kind of relationship. Thus [From the post.]:

“Either there is something in me that seeks these women out or there are a whole bunch of them out there and I am statistical prey.”

…maybe both?

The thing that I have seen–since I published the above piece–is that I actually DO have many of “the answers.” I actually DO see where things can be picked up and set aright. Sometimes it is on a grand scale (i.e. “societal”), sometimes on the small scale (or, personal/interpersonal). Part of my “haunting” has been a lack of (self)respect for these abilities. The incorrect information that I received for my first five decades of life left me in a doubtful daze. It is unlikely that I could have enjoyed a relationship with someone who could “keep up with” me…even if I had been afforded the opportunity. [And, it is possible that I indeed have been afforded the opportunity and didn't hear her knocking.]

Personally, I think that things have become far to complicated. There’s too much news…too much technology…too much BS…too much “stuff”…too many choices [take a look at the cereal aisle next time you go to the store!]…just TOO MUCH for the human mind to grasp. I’m not saying that all the TOO MUCH is inherently bad or evil–just that it dilutes the human experience. The same applies in “relationships.” I am convinced that nearly all of the petty crap would disappear if people had a sense of necessity in relationships. We live in days of relative leisure. Threats are perceived as distant or non-existent. It’s not un-cool to be divorced anymore because people don’t see the need to be or stay married. I wonder if it is even possible for me to relate to these types of people…on ANY level. If one doesn’t know that the wolf is at the door, then he or she is not going to put any energy into vigilance or diligence. As far as I am concerned there can be no real relationship without both.[Yes, I know, that (the wolf thing) sounds paranoid to some people. It has nothing to do with paranoia. The wolf and I go way back.]

One of my lovely daughters told me today, “Dad, just don’t settle.” She’s right. It is time to stop settling. With my recent epiphanies…that might just be possible.

I escaped my situation. Barely. It was tremendously hard to do and I had to fight HARD to do it. The only way was by finding others (friends and the parents of my friends) to help me see the reality I was fed by my mother was not reality as everyone else knew it to be. It took about 4 years to re-wire my thought processes and trust that I could make sensible decisions (in the interim, it was by sheer luck I didn’t make some dumb mistakes).

Before I left home for good, I had several false starts (the rebellion you speak of), but each one helped me to gain confidence in myself. I also had to accept the kindness of near-strangers who took me in even though I wasn’t financially dependent at the time. I eventually became financially independent, but for a period of time, it was more sheer luck that I wasn’t jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I could have made some bad choices with who I moved in with, but I got lucky to find good people to take me in until I could make it on my own. However, in one attempt to move out, I decided to go home after 2 months and deal with the devil I knew than the devil I didn’t know when one of the persons I lived with lost his job and became increasingly dependent on alcohol to cope. I was not about to sort out his problems as well as my own.

Ever watch the Matrix (yes, I realize this is the second reference I’ve made about this)? But in all honesty – when your reality is manufactured but so convincing and the only reality you know, how do you really discover the truth? You have to run into someone who offers you the red pill AND you have to be willing to take it. It is scary to discover the person who is supposed to nurture you is really undermining you at every.single.step. and crippling your ability to make rational decisions. It’s horrible to experience. Now that many years have elapsed, I have trouble remembering what it was like, until I read such things as what you wrote. It is EXACTLY as you have described.

Why do you seek out such relationships? Perhaps you are like my first love once told me (many, many years after he dated me) he tries to save the broken ones. He’s a “rescuer” type. He himself had been abused (molested by someone close to him) and he saw me being abused by my mother (and therefore I was broken too). He was willing to marry me to save me from her. Thank God we didn’t. It’s not because we didn’t love each other, but it’s because we knew we weren’t right for each other. He knew he wasn’t my intellectual match and knew I had a plan for my life that he didn’t want to interfere with. He literally loved me enough to let me go. Even though I didn’t understand it at the time – I would have changed the course of my life if he asked me too, but it was definitely for the best that he didn’t.

Though he did not marry me, he went on to try and rescue another women who was in an abusive marriage. Unfortunately for him, it’s backfired. She’s still broken and she’s never fixed what’s wrong. Instead of dealing with her problems, she saw him as the enemy to and has already cheated on him once. It breaks my heart. They have two children and she deprives him of some very basic needs (intimacy and connection). He doesn’t deserve what he got (though I tease him sometimes and tell him that’s what he gets for letting me go).

At any rate…I’m a rescuer too. I try to fix broken people too – I have all my life. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes it gets me into trouble.

Hopefully you can find someone who isn’t broken, or who is already of the mindset to fix themselves. It has to come from within them. You can lend a hand, but you can’t be their life preserver. They have to do the bulk of the hard work themselves.

I truly hope this helps.

Wow. This is a tough subject. I know how to recognize it. Now I’m learning what I can do about it. RUN! is probably the most viable option.

Peace………..