I wrote the following last year to someone who is still significant to me but at some point decided that I had been “demoted” in the ranks of significance to this person. [We'll have to leave it at that.] I was attempting to address what I perceived as this person’s tendency to “partition” life and my desire to live “in the light.” While editing (to protect the innocent) it became glaringly evident to me that I am far too intense and complex to ever have an intimate relationship with this person. I am relieved. I can release my hopes for that and the guilt that I have felt for being unable to “make it work.” I actually feel bad on some level for dragging this person through this for so long. There is little wonder that we couldn’t “get it together.”
I welcome your response to this “stuff.” Just please don’t tell me I’m crazy…I get it. I know that I’m weird. If any of this resonates with you…great. If not…great. This is just a way for me to get some of it out of my head and open for review. [Remember, these pages are open for your contributions as well.]
I have decided that IF I am ever presented again with the opportunity to enter into an intimate relationship with another human being, I will direct them to these writings. That should run off the faint of heart and save us both a lot of trouble.
Here goes…somethin’:
…It is my humble opinion that this type of “arrangement” is established by those who can find no other way to MANAGE life. It involves a process of partitioning…little boxes on little shelves. The “manager” gets little pieces of “gratification” from each little box. When the “occupant” of any given box becomes “too difficult” (challenging, uncomfortable, or unmanageable) the box-keeper tucks the occupant back into the box (because the occupant is obviously the “problem”) and puts the box back on the shelf to wait until the next time around, and moves on to the next box to find another piece of what he or she needs. The cycle continues in this manner until the box keeper wakes up and decides to live — which, in my experience is almost NEVER! I do not know how to live a life that is partitioned in this way, nor do I want to learn. It seems to me to be segmental, non-real, dishonest and non-integrated. I want to experience Life in an integrated way. One of the greatest obstacles to this is the undeniable reality that the overwhelmingly vast majority of people do not seek integration. But, instead, are dead-set on perpetuating the “production.”
The thing about integration is that it requires honesty — which, at first, seems rather brutal (sometimes tough as hell! Impossible even), but later results in rare and great relief and happiness. I have gained some of that on my own…individually…alone. I believe, though, that humans are social creatures and that part of our composition demands interpersonal interaction. I believe that we truly depend on one another for fullness of life. I am convinced that almost all of the maladies (of body, mind, and soul) in our current so-called society are caused by disintegration. What do we do about it/them? We take drugs. We seek counseling. We create more intricate vampiric systems. We die. We kill. And we call it “life” [the grossest of all misnomers]. Box keepers grow to become incapable of Self Honesty. Absent Self Awareness and Self Honesty, there is no hope of relationship that requires honesty with others. The “exercise” becomes one of BLAME (assignment of Guilt) because Personal Responsibility requires Awareness, Honesty, and Authenticity. I have NO idea how people are able to coordinate all of this. How miserable such an existence must be.
Your wish for “one last time knowing this” is your way of saying that you wanted to have control over putting me into “the box” and placing me back on the shelf on YOUR TERMS. Box keepers don’t know what to do when the occupants jump out of the box and suddenly stop playing along with the process. The game depends on the willingness of the occupants to live in boxes. It doesn’t matter what the reason for this willingness is, and the keepers will do just about anything to get and keep an occupant “in the box.” When occupants stop properly playing their assigned roles, the keepers are usually briefly stunned (the extent depends on the amount of access the occupant had been given to the keepers true being) and then becomes rather indignant. SURELY something MUST be WRONG with this occupant! Does he (or she) not realize what he is giving up!? Does he not realize what an honor it is to be allowed to occupy a box on this shelf!?
The whole process depends on carefully controlled lighting. And it’s not the light that is used by the keepers to maintain their charade–it is the shadows created by aptly placed partitions. Just like on stage, the actors (occupants) must follow their cues and not violate the lighting scheme. There are many ways to insure this participation. Successfully directing a play requires that the actors submit to the “director,” the “will of the script,” and other particulars of the production.
Here is why you are tired…your production has been disrupted. You will likely NOT recognize this. You will likely find new and better (?) ways to perpetuate your “scene.” You will likely not let the loss of **** [a friend died] bring you to any resolve concerning your own mortality. You will likely find ways to forestall dealing with your own ultimate end. You will likely NOT recognize my openness and honesty as genuine expressions of my desire to integrate. You will likely take this as an opportunity to fortify your animosity toward me…to identify even more “reasons” that you just CANNOT accept who and what I am.
Yes, children ARE innocent and honest, but they will not be like that for long. They are daily challenged to adopt the “adult” ways of “living.” They are constantly challenged to learn how to box up their feelings, thoughts, desires, goals, inspirations, friendships, sexuality, etc. and to play the game. They are constantly challenged to learn to “live” THROUGH other people instead of learning to live WITH other people. [Actually, I would say that the challenge is to learn to live "vampirically" rather than Vicariously.]
Do we become children again when we are old? No, we do not. We tend to become tired, dissatisfied, weak, troubled, mean, insecure, spiteful invalids who realize that we are dependent on people (our children?) to help us survive. This is the only difference sometimes between old people and babies — the old people KNOW that they are helpless. And what of the children to whom we turn for help? Well, they have (more likely than not) become what we were (and are) and taught them to be — box keepers. So what do we do? We try to convince them, through whatever means necessary and at our disposal, that we “deserve” to be an occupant of one of their boxes. Do we? No, we do not. We do not deserve it any more than our parents deserve to be in a box on one of our shelves. But for some “reason” we, like our parents who taught us the fine art of box keeping, still try to do it. Most people do not become “more real” with age — they become more desperate. They become more willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to put off the reality that they blew it…that their life is a sham. And, no, there is no guarantee that we will become “much older.” There is no guarantee of anything besides this moment, and we typically are too “busy” in this moment mucking around with our boxes to bother with living the life that we have been given to live. We are too busy using past perceived injustices to justify our unwillingness and/or inability to break the cycle…to start a NEW pattern…to actually ENJOY BEING ALIVE!
Somebody once said, “Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.” I say: “Life is what happens around us while we are busy managing our boxes.”
Obviously you are NOT abnormal. Your ways are staggeringly normal. My dream, my goal, is one of the most abnormal things in our present age. You can (and most likely will) continue to strive for normalcy. It is the desire of the majority to have something that looks like Life rather than to truly live. Is something “wrong” with you? Obviously this judgment is completely dependent on the one doing the judging. If you want to relate to me, then something is wrong. If you DO NOT want to relate to me, then there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Am I crazy? Certainly, by definition, I am insane. Sanity is a sort of “democratic” condition. Nature demands integration. When unnatural or anti-natural conditions prevail (i.e. gain a majority position, or majority rule), those in the MINORity are deemed abnormal (a statistical term), or insane. You see? MOST of the people CANNOT be “wrong.” As you more than once have said to me: “ASK ANYBODY.” What will happen? Nature will not long tolerate preeminence of the anti-natural. This, I am convinced, is that which is symbolized in myth (Christian and otherwise) as the struggle between good and evil. There is an order to the Universe. Part of that order tends toward occasional disorder. The ORDER will always ultimately prevail.
