Broke Down Spirit

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.   -Samuel “Mark Twain” Clemens

I cannot resolve the unavoidable, logical quandary of First Cause. This, I believe, is altogether and of essence beyond the scope of human comprehension. Our temporal, constrained perception requires that all that exists does so because something that “came before” gave rise to it. Clearly at some point, this process asks for the “first thing” that led to the second thing that led to all other things. In my most humble opinion, it is this First Cause (FC) that for millennia mankind has attempted to grasp, understand, explain, and, from time to time, “have faith in.” Further, I must conclude that the full nature of this FC is, as we are presently equipped incomprehensible. [Yet I do not rule out the possibility of my being deluded or grossly ignorant; conditions which may be correctable…or not.]

While I choose to NOT rely on myth where temporal comprehension is available (or possible), I have no desire to dissuade any other person in his or her choice of an object of faith in regards to this matter. It is clear that through the millennia of recorded history, countless religious and/or spiritual factions have been founded as a result of man’s attempts to understand the nature of Origination. It is unfortunate that most of these groups do not share my temperate tolerance. And many, quite to the contrary, are violently militant in their attempts to “convert” others to their “way” and gather-by a range of means from gentle persuasion to threats against life-as many “into the fold” as possible. Under the guise of being the visible hand of “the” invisible God, these preachers practice a profuse propensity for proselytizing in ways that purportedly please Pater Nostra. None of these rapacious groups can provide anything that approximates a rational or plausible platform for their professed propositions. Acceptance, adherence, adoration, and fellowship (validation and security) are all contingent on “faith.”

Along with this compulsion to collect fellows to the worship of THE GOD, who in the past “started it all,” many of these groups seek to secure for themselves seats with the Most High in eternity-AFTER their time here is done. So this focus on The Truth of the past, coupled with the reassuring Truth of future security-neither of which have any substantial basis-leaves us with little hope for the present.

Perhaps this seemingly inevitable shell game-that of avoiding present pain by looking to the past and future-is the point of it all… A sad proposition indeed.

IF anybody out there is paying attention and has missed my presence here over the last few months, I apologize. Metaphorically speaking, I don’t “have internet” in the cave where I’ve been hiding and my devotion and energy level for journaling and blogging has been pretty low. The days are getting longer…some flowers are starting to poke through the dirt…so I am peeking out again. Well, here goes…something.

I cannot pretend to completely imagine what brings each person to read my rambling thoughts. You might have a sense of “displacement”–or brokenness–your self. You might be married to such a person, or in some other sort of “significant” relationship. You might have a broken and suffering parent, sibling, or child. It could just be peripheral curiosity–a sort of personality voyeurism. It is not my purpose to know these things; although I do sometimes wonder about them…obviously.

Within the past few weeks I have stumbled upon (as if there were any such thing as coincidence) the writings of Hermann Hesse. First, I wondered how his work had eluded me for all this time–why hadn’t I seen this stuff before!? Maybe things just happen when they’re supposed to happen. In any event, Hesse ably articulates and elucidates some concepts that have held my curiosity for decades now. The following passage–from the opening pages of “Steppenwolf”–really put some things “in order” for me. I have no desire to write a “book report” here, so I’m not going to “set this up” for you…just hit on the ideas that jumped out at me.

It was some remembered conversation with Haller that gave me the key to this interpretation. He said to me once when we were talking of the so-called horrors of the Middle Ages: “These horrors were really non-existent. A man of the Middle Ages would detest the whole mode of our present day life as something far more than horrible and cruel, far more than barbarous. Every age, every culture, every custom and tradition has its own character, its own weakness and its own strength, its beauties and cruelties; it accepts certain sufferings as matters of course, puts up patiently with certain evils. Human life is reduced to real suffering, to hell, only when two ages, two cultures and religions overlap. A man of the Classical age who had to live in medieval times would suffocate miserably just as a savage does in the midst of our civilisation. Now there are times when a whole generation is caught in this way between two ages, between two modes of life and thus loses the feeling for itself, for the self-evident, for all morals, for being safe and innocent. Naturally, everyone does not feel this equally strongly. A nature such as Nietzsche’s had to suffer our present ills more than a generation in advance. What he had to go through alone and misunderstood, thousands suffer today.”

I often had to think of these words while reading the records. Haller belongs to those who have been caught between two ages, who are outside of all security and innocence. He belongs to those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell. [Italics added]

I cannot tell you how many times I have wondered if I fell through a crack in the space-time machine…born in the wrong decade or century; the wrong country or continent; or on the wrong planet in the wrong galaxy. My sense of aloneness and displacement has been haunting, persistent, growing, and at time severe. Only relatively recently has it become clear to me that there is a huge difference between “unique” and “weird.” All individuals are, by definition, unique. But there is a sort of statistical scattering when it comes to weirdness. I. am. weird. [The ones who know me in real life would affirm my assertion. Of this I am sure.]

Hesse–especially poignantly in the quoted passage–speaks to me. Here he describes the experiences of “displaced” (or “misplaced”?) persons. It has frequently bugged the piss out of me that “people” seem to only be able to examine other times, ages, and places through the filter of their present scene. While in most cases their filters don’t even allow for any incisive consideration of what’s happening under their noses right NOW. If, in Hesse’s time, there were “thousands” who were experiencing the suffering of “present ills” to the ONE in Nietzsche’s day, then surely there must be millions in our times. I am one of those millions…one of millions out of the thousands of millions (i.e. billions) who currently call Earth home.

Consider with me–for the sake of discussion and accepting Hesse’s contention real struggles emerge when ages, cultures, and religions overlap–that today we are seeing the “overlapping” of a multitude of ages, cultures, and religions. Technological changes–and thus commercial and societal changes–are so rapid that one can see several “overlaps” in one’s own lifetime. What once moved at a pace that gradually affected groups of people over generations can, and do, now wash over large portions of the population over the course of years, months, or even weeks. Whether or not things are moving “too fast” isn’t the question or the problem. What is left in the wake of the tsunamis of change is the problem. [This hits me as a nearly inarguable proposition...but if you can set me straight, I welcome your feedback.]

Back to the regularly scheduled programming…

Where does this leave me? Where does it leave you? Whether you’re struggling with the question, “to be, or not to be,” or struggling with a loved one who is struggling with the question, there clearly is a struggle. Do you think Nietzsche had no one in his life that cared about him? That nobody wanted to or tried to love him? That there wasn’t at least one other person that he wanted to love and with whom he wished to relate? What about ______________? Just fill in the blank with any weird, revolutionary, philosophical, religious, etc. historical figure that comes to mind. Or, more pertinently, just fill it in with “me.” We need to “get real.” We need to decide whether or not we can embrace our own stumbling, bumbling self and move forward with a realization and acceptance of our weirdness. We need to decide whether or not we can embrace and realize and accept the weirdness of our stumbling and bumbling significant others. Just because I’m weird–in the words of a dearly departed friend of mine–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Some other things might, but that doesn’t.

Are you one of those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell? You are NOT alone.

I am Broken Too…

Peace.

Maybe I need to get more serious about this writing thing. Since June 1st of this year we’ve had visitors from 17 countries and 30 states in the US. Lots of search engine actions…some link action…and a few direct hits. That just really fascinates me. We have such an opportunity to share information in our world.

It’s an honor to me that you all come here to see–and know–me. I’d love to hear more from you!

Peace,

Broken Too

For way too many years I have beaten my self over the head…blamed my self for not understanding enough…for not doing enough…for not being enough…for not caring enough. Thousands of times I have thought and said, “I just don’t get it.” Now I see that I was way too hard on me. Not getting it wasn’t the problem. The problem is that I DO get it…and I don’t like it.

I get it. When people wantto find fault, they find fault. When others want out of a situation or relationship, they find a way out. And, it often involves vitriolic blame cast at the other involved person. Our society conditions victims–not victors. We are conditioned to blame others for anything and everything that doesn’t suit us. Trouble is, we generally have no idea what would suit us…we usually are just railing against stuff that makes us uncomfortable. The object becomes fleeting comfort rather than lasting substance. The flip side of the “wanting out” coin is the “wanting to stay in.” When a relationship is important to those involved, they look for reasons to stay. They look for the good things shared and hope for the good things that may be shared as the relationship progresses. RED FLAG ALERT: Note to Self. When others exhibit repeated expressions of dissatisfaction it means that they are unhappy in the “relationship” and might kill me. Run! [No need to get suicidally frustrated...just get the hell away from them.]

I get it. We are trained to provide — and expect — “disclaimers.” Like, the “socially acceptable” thing for me to do is to open every post with something like this:

I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts, feelings, and observations with you. I hope that you are not offended by what I’m about to say. I might be wrong, but don’t think that I am. These are just my thoughts, and I do not expect you to approve of them. Please don’t be hurt by anything that I say. If I offend you, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can make things right. I really don’t know you (all) well enough to tailor my expressions in such a way as to avoid possibly irritating each and every one of you. I care about you…really, I do.

Please.

I get it. I realized and verbalized (just a few days ago) for the first time ever — in spite of being accused of being a rabid pessimist for most of my life — that I am not. I realized that, to my detriment, I (almost) always look for the good in people. I think that there is a way to “make it work.” That is optimism…right? [On a societal level, though, I am a realist.] People tell me I’m extreme, provocative, pessimistic, intense, that I think too much, yada, yada, yada…for one reason: they are uncomfortable around me. They (1) don’t know how to express their discomfort, (2) don’t care enough about our relationship to express their discomfort, (3) despise me, (4) despise themselves, or (5) don’t/won’t/can’t own their “stuff.” [Not meant to be an exhaustive list...just a few options.] RED FLAG ALERT: Note to Self. When others exhibit repeated expressions of dissatisfaction it means that they are unhappy in the “relationship” and might kill me. Run! [No need to get suicidally frustrated...just get the hell away from them.]

I get it. I now know that I am a person who wants to be known deeply and wants to know deeply. I know that this is my definition of intimacy…mutual, deep knowing. Now, I see that this is a rather odd and futile stance. I am surrounded by people who don’t want to be known, and they don’t really want to know me. It’s all about “the show.” It’s all about being seen…recognized. But, only for the doing, not for the being. Better late than never, I guess. At least I’ve finally figured that one out.

I get it. It doesn’t matter how capable, competent, or caring I am. It doesn’t matter how much I give others credit for being capable, competent, and caring. If they don’t recognize their own competency, they won’t recognize mine. If they don’t recognize mine, they will continue to treat me as some sort of mental and emotional invalid. I am not.

I get it. Fantasy is much more controllable — and comfortable — than reality. Subjectivity is cool because it’s so, well…subjective. Online “friends” are wonderful because we can pretty much Play-Doh them into anything we want them to be. If they start coloring outside the lines, we can tell them how awful they are and mash them down and put them back in the can. Our caring for them doesn’t really exist beyond the self-imposed boundaries of our own mind, so we really aren’t “invested” in the relationship…and we don’t really lose anything when we send them packing.

More to come…

Broken & Blessed

Through the lens of giftedness… <<< Click to download file (Word .doc)

Abstract

Gifted people are driven by a force that is greater than the norm and the effects are not only experienced in positive results, but permeates every facets of a person’s life in childhood and adulthood. Parents and teachers of gifted children require a different approach in order to help the gifted child become fully self-realized.

An article by Linda Kreger Silverman, PhD. [Almost fourteen pages of single-spaced text. Worth the read if you or someone you care about struggles with the issue of giftedness.]

Everybody gets to read your obituary (that, usually, someone else writes), but precious few actually know who you are when you are alive.

That, to me, is devastatingly sad.

We suffer too much.

We rejoice too little.

BUT…

What are we doing about it?

What does that mean? I’m “safe” when I’m dead? There’s no more threat?

We say stuff like:

Dance like no one is watching….

…Love like you’ve never been hurt…

…Work like you don’t need the money…

…Cook like you’re the only one eating…(or you’re unabashedly prepping for the love of your life!)

…Sew like you’re the only one that will wear it?

BUT…

Who really means it?

I do.

Two words. Two very significant words.

I do.

Tell me I’m wrong….Set me straight.

Or, tell me you feel and know what I’m saying…help me fly!

I want to do what is right…to be happy…to rejoice!

You know me…or you’re not paying attention.

I am not hiding.

One day I was on the ground
When I needed a hand and it couldn’t be found
I was so far down that I couldn’t get up
You know and one day I was one of life’s losers
Even my friends were my accusers and in my head, lost before I’d begun

I had a dream
But it turned to dust
What I thought was love, that must have been lust
I was living in style when the walls fell in
When I played my hand, I looked like a joker
Turned around
Fate must have woke her ‘cause lady luck she was waiting outside the door

I’m winning
I’m winning
I’m winning
I’m winning
I’m winning and I don’t intend on losing again

I wish you ALL could know me.

I wish you could ALL look in my eyes and see what I feel.

Then…

You would know…

Then…you would know what I know…

If you love me, show me that you love me. Give me accurate information about me. Give the time and effort to be knowledgeable of my concerns and capabilities…and, yes, my weaknesses. If I tell you that I love you, you will know that I am willing to do the same for you.

HARSH WORDS & LOG-EYED ABUSE

All right, here’s the deal. My words may seem “harsh” to some…my words are real. If my expression seems harsh to you, then you have a problem with realness, and NOT with me. So, don’t treat me like something is “wrong” with me. What gives ANYone the right to point out what is wrong with another person? Not to be preachy, but what ever happened to getting the log out of your eye before you start digging around for splinters in mine!?

Here’s one of my “bottom lines”: If you don’t like who and what I am…and you insist on bombarding me with your ill-informed observations (i.e., judgments)…please, go find someone else to ABUSE. Yes, I said abuse. This is straight-up abuse.

PERFECTIONISM

Do not tell me that I am a perfectionist because I strive for excellence. What is it about YOU that is threatened by my search for excellence? Have you ever gone into the doctor’s office or a hospital and asked to be treated by the least “perfect” or excellent doctor there? Would you? Well, you might just get that doctor. Wouldn’t you rather have the “perfectionist?” Really? I enjoy going into restaurants and asking the hostess to seat me with their WORST server. Can you see where I’m going with this? Of course, the hostess would claim that they didn’t have a “worst” server. Is it just me, or can you see how this is a lie. I know–and you know–that there is someone in that restaurant that everybody “talks about” and chides for being a pitiful server. To think otherwise is delusional. We like delusion. I want THAT person to wait on me. You would be absolutely amazed at how most of these “worst servers” rise to the occasion when they know that you asked to be waited on by “the worst.” It has resulted in some of my best dining experiences.

STRONG STYLE

Don’t bother telling me “Bruce, you are such a great writer…it’s just that some people feel threatened by that…you “come across SO strong.” And??? Hello!? What am > I < supposed to do about this? Do not tell me that there is something “wrong” with my “style”…tell me what is “wrong” with the STUFF that I wrote…PLEASE!!! I want to learn…I want to grow. If you are criticizing my “style,” you are telling me that you want me to un-learn and to shrink. Not to mention that you are unwilling to take the time to actually consider whether or not there just MIGHT be some validity to what I am saying.

CONFORM OR WE WILL KILL YOU: OTHER CRAZY PEOPLE

PLEASE don’t tell me that there might be something “wrong” with my views when several people do not agree with what I am saying. I hate to break it to you, but I am not the first person who said things that a bunch of people didn’t like. A few people come to mind. And, if the list bothers you, don’t blame me…try actually THINKING about what I am saying!

Barack Hussein Obama
Saddam Hussein
Mother Teresa
Frederick Douglas
Jerry Falwell, Sr.
Malcom X
John Forbes Nash, Jr.
Michael a.k.a. “Martin Luther” King, Jr.
Martin Luther
Pat Robertson
Teddy Roosevelt
George Carlin
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Richard M. Nixon
John F. Kennedy
Thomas Aquinas
Bede the Venerable
Maria Montessori
Herbert Spencer
Charles Darwin
Galileo Galilei
Saul of Tarsus
John the Baptist
Jesus of Nazareth
Rosa Parks
Moses
Isaiah
Rush Limbaugh
Joshua
Jean Jacques Rousseau
H. D. Thoreau
Edgar Allan Poe
Jozef Stalin
Adolf Hitler…

WHY do we even talk about and study these people? Well, it is because they are what is known as “historical figures.” Why are they historical figures? Well, because they were un-sane…ab-normal…they “bucked” the system…they were “different.” Some are/were good, some bad, and some ugly…but they are/were all significant. And, guess what…so am I. If you do not wish to acknowledge your own significance, please don’t drag me down by maligning mine. Go ahead…accuse me of having a “Messiah Complex” (you would’ve said the same thing about the Messiah). Tell me I “suffer” from delusions of grandeur (maybe I’m not the deluded one?). Analyze me. Judge me. When you’re done, you’ll still be locked in your chains (pssst…the key is in your hand), and all you will have done is slowed me down a little. Why would you want to do that? Please, tell me…I want to know.

TYPICAL REACTIONS (Yes, you…)

Some will read this and think, “Oooo, Bruce is angry.” Yes, Bruce IS angry. Bruce is indignant. So what? Does that change what I am saying? Do my feelings invalidate the obvious truth in my words?

Some will observe that, “Bruce must have really been hurt.” Yes, Bruce has been hurt. Would you like to hurt him some more? Then give him some incorrect information about his strengths…tell him he is “wrong.” Add to the abuse. Go ahead…he’s used to it.

Some might guess that, “Bruce must really be a lonely person.” No kidding, master or mistress of the obvious. Bruce is lonely. He needs to be held and affected and nurtured as much (actually more) than the delusional comfortable ones. See? Along with all of this intellectual intensity, complexity, and drive, Bruce has been “blessed” with emotional intensity, complexity, and drive. Because of this companionship prospects are unfortunately quite slim for him.

Then there are the “sure bets”: “He is crazy.” “He is weird.” “He’s just ‘not right.’” Duh. [I actually despise that expression, "duh," but it seems fitting here...and it is something that most of my contemporaries will readily understand.]

_____________________________________________________

Okay…you get a reprieve…for now. I’ll be back. If my musings resonate with you, you have my sympathy. If they don’t, you have my empathy. But, none of you get apathy…well, maybe SOME of you. You have an open invitation to validate or denigrate. One of the great things about finally recognizing my greatness is that I can learn something from both.

Lead, follow, or get out of my way.

Amen.

Check out these tables. They comprise a graphical summary of information from A Theory of Civilization by Philip Atkinson. I find his A Study of Our Decline particularly insightful.

Definitely some food for thought here. My quest for answers led me to locate an interesting document at the Hoffman Institute website. The title of this booklet is…

The Negative Love Syndrome and the Quadrinity Model: A Path to Personal Freedom and Love (by Bob Hoffman)

CLICK HERE to download the .pdf

This work poses the question, “…Why is there so much discord and negativity in human relations?”, and goes on to shed much light on the subject.

Instead of violating their copyright, I would invite you to read it from the Hoffman Institute website. [The download is free.]

Still wondering…Broken Too…

All warfare is based on deception.

So go the words of Sun Tzu. It is debated whether Sun Tzu was an actual historical figure, but the essence and importance of the work, known variously as The Art of War or Sun Tzu, is unarguably one of the most celebrated treatises on warfare. [Required reading for the U.S. Marine Corps.]

If warfare is based on deception, then why does deception play such a pervasive role in “loving” relationships? Are relationships just another form of warfare? Is deception necessary to take what one wants from another and to protect one’s own “holdings?”

Conversely, if deception is at the root of warfare, then what is the place of honesty and Truth? If one wishes to have an open, healthy, growing interpersonal relationship, why all the hiding…why all the lies?

Last, but not least, what about “self-deception?” What of the people amongst us who are incapable of even being honest with themselves? Are these people “at war” with Self?

Just wondering…and Broken Too…

NOTE: Normally I am not a big fan of questions. I defer to their (Socratic?) use here in the interest of brevity and convenience.