Broke Down Spirit

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.   -Samuel “Mark Twain” Clemens

I cannot resolve the unavoidable, logical quandary of First Cause. This, I believe, is altogether and of essence beyond the scope of human comprehension. Our temporal, constrained perception requires that all that exists does so because something that “came before” gave rise to it. Clearly at some point, this process asks for the “first thing” that led to the second thing that led to all other things. In my most humble opinion, it is this First Cause (FC) that for millennia mankind has attempted to grasp, understand, explain, and, from time to time, “have faith in.” Further, I must conclude that the full nature of this FC is, as we are presently equipped incomprehensible. [Yet I do not rule out the possibility of my being deluded or grossly ignorant; conditions which may be correctable…or not.]

While I choose to NOT rely on myth where temporal comprehension is available (or possible), I have no desire to dissuade any other person in his or her choice of an object of faith in regards to this matter. It is clear that through the millennia of recorded history, countless religious and/or spiritual factions have been founded as a result of man’s attempts to understand the nature of Origination. It is unfortunate that most of these groups do not share my temperate tolerance. And many, quite to the contrary, are violently militant in their attempts to “convert” others to their “way” and gather-by a range of means from gentle persuasion to threats against life-as many “into the fold” as possible. Under the guise of being the visible hand of “the” invisible God, these preachers practice a profuse propensity for proselytizing in ways that purportedly please Pater Nostra. None of these rapacious groups can provide anything that approximates a rational or plausible platform for their professed propositions. Acceptance, adherence, adoration, and fellowship (validation and security) are all contingent on “faith.”

Along with this compulsion to collect fellows to the worship of THE GOD, who in the past “started it all,” many of these groups seek to secure for themselves seats with the Most High in eternity-AFTER their time here is done. So this focus on The Truth of the past, coupled with the reassuring Truth of future security-neither of which have any substantial basis-leaves us with little hope for the present.

Perhaps this seemingly inevitable shell game-that of avoiding present pain by looking to the past and future-is the point of it all… A sad proposition indeed.

IF anybody out there is paying attention and has missed my presence here over the last few months, I apologize. Metaphorically speaking, I don’t “have internet” in the cave where I’ve been hiding and my devotion and energy level for journaling and blogging has been pretty low. The days are getting longer…some flowers are starting to poke through the dirt…so I am peeking out again. Well, here goes…something.

I cannot pretend to completely imagine what brings each person to read my rambling thoughts. You might have a sense of “displacement”–or brokenness–your self. You might be married to such a person, or in some other sort of “significant” relationship. You might have a broken and suffering parent, sibling, or child. It could just be peripheral curiosity–a sort of personality voyeurism. It is not my purpose to know these things; although I do sometimes wonder about them…obviously.

Within the past few weeks I have stumbled upon (as if there were any such thing as coincidence) the writings of Hermann Hesse. First, I wondered how his work had eluded me for all this time–why hadn’t I seen this stuff before!? Maybe things just happen when they’re supposed to happen. In any event, Hesse ably articulates and elucidates some concepts that have held my curiosity for decades now. The following passage–from the opening pages of “Steppenwolf”–really put some things “in order” for me. I have no desire to write a “book report” here, so I’m not going to “set this up” for you…just hit on the ideas that jumped out at me.

It was some remembered conversation with Haller that gave me the key to this interpretation. He said to me once when we were talking of the so-called horrors of the Middle Ages: “These horrors were really non-existent. A man of the Middle Ages would detest the whole mode of our present day life as something far more than horrible and cruel, far more than barbarous. Every age, every culture, every custom and tradition has its own character, its own weakness and its own strength, its beauties and cruelties; it accepts certain sufferings as matters of course, puts up patiently with certain evils. Human life is reduced to real suffering, to hell, only when two ages, two cultures and religions overlap. A man of the Classical age who had to live in medieval times would suffocate miserably just as a savage does in the midst of our civilisation. Now there are times when a whole generation is caught in this way between two ages, between two modes of life and thus loses the feeling for itself, for the self-evident, for all morals, for being safe and innocent. Naturally, everyone does not feel this equally strongly. A nature such as Nietzsche’s had to suffer our present ills more than a generation in advance. What he had to go through alone and misunderstood, thousands suffer today.”

I often had to think of these words while reading the records. Haller belongs to those who have been caught between two ages, who are outside of all security and innocence. He belongs to those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell. [Italics added]

I cannot tell you how many times I have wondered if I fell through a crack in the space-time machine…born in the wrong decade or century; the wrong country or continent; or on the wrong planet in the wrong galaxy. My sense of aloneness and displacement has been haunting, persistent, growing, and at time severe. Only relatively recently has it become clear to me that there is a huge difference between “unique” and “weird.” All individuals are, by definition, unique. But there is a sort of statistical scattering when it comes to weirdness. I. am. weird. [The ones who know me in real life would affirm my assertion. Of this I am sure.]

Hesse–especially poignantly in the quoted passage–speaks to me. Here he describes the experiences of “displaced” (or “misplaced”?) persons. It has frequently bugged the piss out of me that “people” seem only to be able to examine other times, ages, and places through the filter of their present scene. While in most cases their filters don’t even allow for any incisive consideration of what’s happening under their noses right NOW. If, in Hesse’s time, there were “thousands” who were experiencing the suffering of “present ills” to the ONE in Nietzsche’s day, then surely there must be millions in our times. I am one of those millions…one of millions out of the thousands of millions (i.e. billions) who currently call Earth home.

Consider with me–for the sake of discussion and accepting Hesse’s contention real struggles emerge when ages, cultures, and religions overlap–that today we are seeing the “overlapping” of a multitude of ages, cultures, and religions. Technological changes–and thus commercial and societal changes–are so rapid that one can see several “overlaps” in one’s own lifetime. What once moved at a pace that gradually affected groups of people over generations can, and do, now wash over large portions of the population over the course of years, months, or even weeks. Whether or not things are moving “too fast” isn’t the question or the problem. What is left in the wake of the tsunamis of change is the problem. [This hits me as a nearly inarguable proposition...but if you can set me straight, I welcome your feedback.]

Back to the regularly scheduled programming…

Where does this leave me? Where does it leave you? Whether you’re struggling with the question, “to be, or not to be,” or struggling with a loved one who is struggling with the question, there clearly is a struggle. Do you think Nietzsche had no one in his life that cared about him? That nobody wanted to or tried to love him? That there wasn’t at least one other person that he wanted to love and with whom he wished to relate? What about ______________? Just fill in the blank with any weird, revolutionary, philosophical, religious, etc. historical figure that comes to mind. Or, more pertinently, just fill it in with “me.” We need to “get real.” We need to decide whether or not we can embrace our own stumbling, bumbling self and move forward with a realization and acceptance of our weirdness. We need to decide whether or not we can embrace and realize and accept the weirdness of our stumbling and bumbling significant others. Just because I’m weird–in the words of a dearly departed friend of mine–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Some other things might, but that doesn’t.

Are you one of those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell? You are NOT alone.

I am Broken Too…

Peace.

All warfare is based on deception.

So go the words of Sun Tzu. It is debated whether Sun Tzu was an actual historical figure, but the essence and importance of the work, known variously as The Art of War or Sun Tzu, is unarguably one of the most celebrated treatises on warfare. [Required reading for the U.S. Marine Corps.]

If warfare is based on deception, then why does deception play such a pervasive role in “loving” relationships? Are relationships just another form of warfare? Is deception necessary to take what one wants from another and to protect one’s own “holdings?”

Conversely, if deception is at the root of warfare, then what is the place of honesty and Truth? If one wishes to have an open, healthy, growing interpersonal relationship, why all the hiding…why all the lies?

Last, but not least, what about “self-deception?” What of the people amongst us who are incapable of even being honest with themselves? Are these people “at war” with Self?

Just wondering…and Broken Too…

NOTE: Normally I am not a big fan of questions. I defer to their (Socratic?) use here in the interest of brevity and convenience.

There are two issues that have caused me great consternation through the years. I thought it fitting to share my thoughts here at Broke Down Spirit. Your feedback and input are invited and welcome! My hope is to find existing studies and writings that address these matters. There’s no use reinventing the wheel, right?

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ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The first issue deals with the emotional and mental challenges presented to parents as they face the psycho-emotional development of their children. As children progress through the various stages of development, at some point their parents are given the opportunity to address aspects of their own personality that may “suffer” from, for lack of a better term, arrested development.

For instance, say the parent experienced some sort of trauma in early adolescence that suspended further normal progress in some area of his or her heart or soul. And then this person hobbles through adolescence into adulthood. Life goes on. Our hypothetical person manages, through various means of compensation (coping), to lead a functional and productive life in spite of the marginalizing effects of their trauma(s).

Let’s say that part of this productive life includes the birth of a child or children. When the child reaches the stage or phase of her development that roughly correlates to the “place” where the parent experienced the cessation of normal development due to his or her psycho-emotional injury, the parent is challenged to reexamine the nature and extent of her handicap. In my opinion this is one major source of conflict between parent and child, and it has the potential to set in motion a cascading generational dysfunction that can have extensive emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical repercussions.

I know that this is a rather simplistic account and that the dynamics are typically much more complex [e.g. there usually are many traumas spread out over time]. My question deals specifically with the parent who is trying to provide guidance and care to a child while they themselves are stuck in their own childhood-for whatever reason.

THE SEARCH FOR INTEGRITY

My quest for answers regarding my second topic has taken me into poorly charted waters. I will attempt here to share some observations and experiences in hopes that it will strike a chord with one or more of you. My perspective is that of a 50 year-old, twice-divorced male who has struggled through a few other relationships. This topic deals with something that I have encountered, to a greater or lesser degree, with EVERY woman with whom I have never been intimately involved. This is not to say that men do not behave in the manner which I am about to describe, I have just not ever been romantically involved with a man. Nor am I saying that we men do not have our own idiosyncrasies. Surely we do. So, do me a favor and don’t try to engage me in any sexist debate.

I might be a little crazy, but I’m not stupid. I do not believe that anyone can ever know everything about another person. But, from time to time, information is needed as a kind of “reality check.” The struggle that I’m about to describe usually rears its head first during “fact checking” regarding the woman’s past or present activities and relationships. I do not believe that it is arbitrarily indicative of insecurity, a compulsion to control, or jealousy (although these are often the retorts used to repel such requests) that either partner in a relationship would ask for information confirmable through other sources (objectivity?) in an attempt to develop trust (reliability) in the relationship. In my experience, the tendency towards deceit in these matters oftentimes seems pathological–lying even when the truth is better and easier.

Having finally learned a lesson or two and becoming less dependent on fact checking, it became evident to me that this “symptom” almost without exception revealed the existence of a much deeper and much more troubling “dis-ease.” [This is the first time that I have ever tried to articulate my thoughts on this matter in such a forum, so please forgive me as I struggle for terms.] Again I want to stress that I am not harping on women, there is no doubt that both sexes fall prey to this malady. I began to suspect, and in a couple of cases have confirmed, that these people who lied when the truth would do better did so with EVERYONE in their life. Nobody but the liar knew the truth, and they lived “little pieces” of their lives with each other person. Going back to the “nobody can ever know everything about another person” thing, like a diamond we all present different facets to other people with whom we relate. But we all don’t do it deceitfully. It is this deceit, and the way it precludes integrity, that I find so troubling.

These people forego integration, or wholeness, for a piecemeal, partitioned, segmented, energy-draining existence. Instead of making reasoned decisions about what they will divulge to whom, they tell each person whatever lie they want or need to tell to get what they want or need from the other person. These dys-integrated ones that I’ve known are all above-average- to high-functioning individuals who possessed great talent and beauty. In spite of their talent, beauty, and productivity they all at some point had come to believe that they were somehow “less than worthy.” All had experienced chronic or acute emotional trauma; such as, hypercritical, domineering, overly protective parents, “messy” divorce, death of a parent, adoption, sexual abuse, and/or religious abuse. They all seemed to be torn between the need and desire to declare autonomy by establishing their own identity and to maintain familial ties.

One of the most striking characteristics of this “lifestyle” is an inability or unwillingness to maintain lasting relationships. The thought of allowing another person to become close enough to see through the painstakingly maintained facade is too much to bear. Any sort of open, real, transparent intimacy or love is not congruent with their “system.” As a result they move from one relationship (obsession), into a “regrouping phase,” and then into another relationship, and so on. Every “failed” attempt further intensifies their sense of unworthiness, and forces them employ more deceit to maintain their system. These wonderful people sacrifice a life of connection for a superficial existence. They surround themselves with other superficial people who either knowingly or unwittingly aid in the perpetuation of their system.

I mentioned “religious abuse” above. I have seen well-meaning, caring Christians beat these troubled souls over the head (and heart) with scripture and opinions regarding the instability and sinfulness of their ways. Some of the worst offenders are parents, who I am sure are so worried that their children will burn in hell that they forget that little part of the Bible about unconditional love and forgiveness. So, when it comes to “getting help,” there’s the rub. They go to church and encounter a system of superficiality based in religion and not conducive to self-disclosure. Actually, I have seen “church” drive the dysintegrated ones even further into their darkness. [Before you take your "Bible bat" to my head, let me assure you that I am a proponent of church fellowship. I am a Christian. I am not saying that all churches are like the ones to which I am hypothetically referring here. I am specifically referring to what I have witnessed in my experiences with these people. I would love to find "church people" who are aware, willing and able to address this issue!]

Another twisted element of this dysfunction is that these people, when they for any of a multitude of reasons, seek psychological or psychiatric help, use the sessions to hone their “skills.” Yes, the best they can muster for the counselor are more lies and partial truths. They sometimes make some great discoveries. Well, they would be great under less abnormal circumstances. Occasionally they will have an epiphany that, for someone not drowning in a sea of surreptitiousness, might be life-changing. But, more often than not, these discoveries and epiphanies amount to Band-Aids on gaping wounds, and provide new weapons for the deceiver’s arsenal.

All too often, the ones stuck in this cycle, when faced with the opportunity and inclination to change their ways, view the opportunity as a gut wrenching choice between two or more “pieces” in their system. They are unable to see a way to step into the light of truth without disrupting their delicately balanced web. Something has to go. In my experience, it has been me. It seems that no matter how accepting I am, no matter how I might give love unconditionally, the concept is so foreign–so insignificant in light of the enormity of the existing system–that it is rejected in favor of the web. [I am not whining; simply stating my experience.]

One of the ways that I have described such systems is “box keeping.” Following is an excerpt from something that I wrote to one of my “significant others” who tends toward the approach I am outlining here. Some of it is situation specific, but I think the illustrations are worth including…

Such integration is elusive. It is difficult to attain. I have ALWAYS desired integration and openness, but I have seen/known only box keepers who devote their energies to maintaining their “soul storage facilities.” I have met few who are truly willing to take the chance to integrate. It amazes me that, while box keepers may disagree with the “choices” made by other box keepers, they will accede to the piecemeal approach to life so typical of box keepers. Too much disapproval of another box keeper’s box keeping threatens the existence of the box keeper’s right to keep boxes. It is better to play along, while it is not TOO uncomfortable, with another box keeper than to upset the shelves and risk the toppling of the keeper’s “system.” Like…what happens when you take an occupant out of the box and, say, go to a movie and it feels good…so you step on out and enjoy a hug…JUST when the occupant of another one of your boxes walks up with his arm around an occupant of one of HIS boxes…and, suddenly, the good feeling you were experiencing with the night’s “chosen toy” goes down the tubes. Forcibly push away the toy of the night and try to regroup! Instead of being able to enjoy the moment, the keeper ends up disconcerted, frustrated, confused, bewildered, and angry. Like: “WHAT THE HELL!? Why can’t I get these occupants to play their parts!?” Or in another setting…what if a keeper thinks that it would be good and right to consider the possibility of actually integrating — of actually taking the chance to process some of the crap with a “significant” box dweller? What if he/she thinks for a moment that MAYBE there’s something to this? It only lasts for a moment. Why? Well, in the next moment, the keeper’s attention is snapped back to his/her shelf, and he/she realizes that to focus attention on one box has the potential of blanking out (or invalidating) the other boxes (parents, sibling(s), “worship” group, church, work, “friends,” other suitors, and so on). No matter what the motivation, the potential or perceived loss is too great for the keeper to bear. Alas, there can be no honesty…there can be no Lasting Momentary Enjoyment…no integrated focus.

Here’s how it works with box keepers: Lie to me. Use me. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your partitions, just DON’T TRY TO BREAK DOWN ANY OF MINE! Symbiosis. [The only problem with the use of the word "symbiosis" here is that the word means "together living"...Greek: sun-bio...I need a word that means "perpetuating non-life." "Zombiosis" perhaps?] Or, on the other side of the coin: Use whoever, Lie to whomever, do whatever you need to maintain your system…the apt box keeper can always rearrange the boxes when things get too uncomfortable (unmanageable).

Part of my request is for feedback relating to these matters. What is it about our society that makes it such a breeding ground for this type of behavior? Is it the superficiality of commercialism, the effects of materialism, the influence of postmodern/existential philosophy that makes mud of truth, the fast-paced nature of our lives, the breakdown of family and community, or what?

Another thing I would like to hear about is a place where these people might “find help.” Is there help? Why have I, in all my years, not ever seen or heard of a psychologist, psychiatrist, or pastor who addresses this issue?

Finally, if you think I am really off-base with this stuff, light me up! I appreciate the challenge and education.