Broke Down Spirit

I wrote the following last year to someone who is still significant to me but at some point decided that I had been “demoted” in the ranks of significance to this person. [We'll have to leave it at that.] I was attempting to address what I perceived as this person’s tendency to “partition” life and my desire to live “in the light.” While editing (to protect the innocent) it became glaringly evident to me that I am far too intense and complex to ever have an intimate relationship with this person. I am relieved. I can release my hopes for that and the guilt that I have felt for being unable to “make it work.” I actually feel bad on some level for dragging this person through this for so long. There is little wonder that we couldn’t “get it together.”

I welcome your response to this “stuff.” Just please don’t tell me I’m crazy…I get it. I know that I’m weird. If any of this resonates with you…great. If not…great. This is just a way for me to get some of it out of my head and open for review. [Remember, these pages are open for your contributions as well.]

I have decided that IF I am ever presented again with the opportunity to enter into an intimate relationship with another human being, I will direct them to these writings. That should run off the faint of heart and save us both a lot of trouble.

Here goes…somethin’:

…It is my humble opinion that this type of “arrangement” is established by those who can find no other way to MANAGE life. It involves a process of partitioning…little boxes on little shelves. The “manager” gets little pieces of “gratification” from each little box. When the “occupant” of any given box becomes “too difficult” (challenging, uncomfortable, or unmanageable) the box-keeper tucks the occupant back into the box (because the occupant is obviously the “problem”) and puts the box back on the shelf to wait until the next time around, and moves on to the next box to find another piece of what he or she needs. The cycle continues in this manner until the box keeper wakes up and decides to live — which, in my experience is almost NEVER! I do not know how to live a life that is partitioned in this way, nor do I want to learn. It seems to me to be segmental, non-real, dishonest and non-integrated. I want to experience Life in an integrated way. One of the greatest obstacles to this is the undeniable reality that the overwhelmingly vast majority of people do not seek integration. But, instead, are dead-set on perpetuating the “production.”

The thing about integration is that it requires honesty — which, at first, seems rather brutal (sometimes tough as hell! Impossible even), but later results in rare and great relief and happiness. I have gained some of that on my own…individually…alone. I believe, though, that humans are social creatures and that part of our composition demands interpersonal interaction. I believe that we truly depend on one another for fullness of life. I am convinced that almost all of the maladies (of body, mind, and soul) in our current so-called society are caused by disintegration. What do we do about it/them? We take drugs. We seek counseling. We create more intricate vampiric systems. We die. We kill. And we call it “life” [the grossest of all misnomers]. Box keepers grow to become incapable of Self Honesty. Absent Self Awareness and Self Honesty, there is no hope of relationship that requires honesty with others. The “exercise” becomes one of BLAME (assignment of Guilt) because Personal Responsibility requires Awareness, Honesty, and Authenticity. I have NO idea how people are able to coordinate all of this. How miserable such an existence must be.

Your wish for “one last time knowing this” is your way of saying that you wanted to have control over putting me into “the box” and placing me back on the shelf on YOUR TERMS. Box keepers don’t know what to do when the occupants jump out of the box and suddenly stop playing along with the process. The game depends on the willingness of the occupants to live in boxes. It doesn’t matter what the reason for this willingness is, and the keepers will do just about anything to get and keep an occupant “in the box.” When occupants stop properly playing their assigned roles, the keepers are usually briefly stunned (the extent depends on the amount of access the occupant had been given to the keepers true being) and then becomes rather indignant. SURELY something MUST be WRONG with this occupant! Does he (or she) not realize what he is giving up!? Does he not realize what an honor it is to be allowed to occupy a box on this shelf!?

The whole process depends on carefully controlled lighting. And it’s not the light that is used by the keepers to maintain their charade–it is the shadows created by aptly placed partitions. Just like on stage, the actors (occupants) must follow their cues and not violate the lighting scheme. There are many ways to insure this participation. Successfully directing a play requires that the actors submit to the “director,” the “will of the script,” and other particulars of the production.

Here is why you are tired…your production has been disrupted. You will likely NOT recognize this. You will likely find new and better (?) ways to perpetuate your “scene.” You will likely not let the loss of **** [a friend died] bring you to any resolve concerning your own mortality. You will likely find ways to forestall dealing with your own ultimate end. You will likely NOT recognize my openness and honesty as genuine expressions of my desire to integrate. You will likely take this as an opportunity to fortify your animosity toward me…to identify even more “reasons” that you just CANNOT accept who and what I am.

Yes, children ARE innocent and honest, but they will not be like that for long. They are daily challenged to adopt the “adult” ways of “living.” They are constantly challenged to learn how to box up their feelings, thoughts, desires, goals, inspirations, friendships, sexuality, etc. and to play the game. They are constantly challenged to learn to “live” THROUGH other people instead of learning to live WITH other people. [Actually, I would say that the challenge is to learn to live "vampirically" rather than Vicariously.]

Do we become children again when we are old? No, we do not. We tend to become tired, dissatisfied, weak, troubled, mean, insecure, spiteful invalids who realize that we are dependent on people (our children?) to help us survive. This is the only difference sometimes between old people and babies — the old people KNOW that they are helpless. And what of the children to whom we turn for help? Well, they have (more likely than not) become what we were (and are) and taught them to be — box keepers. So what do we do? We try to convince them, through whatever means necessary and at our disposal, that we “deserve” to be an occupant of one of their boxes. Do we? No, we do not. We do not deserve it any more than our parents deserve to be in a box on one of our shelves. But for some “reason” we, like our parents who taught us the fine art of box keeping, still try to do it. Most people do not become “more real” with age — they become more desperate. They become more willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to put off the reality that they blew it…that their life is a sham. And, no, there is no guarantee that we will become “much older.” There is no guarantee of anything besides this moment, and we typically are too “busy” in this moment mucking around with our boxes to bother with living the life that we have been given to live. We are too busy using past perceived injustices to justify our unwillingness and/or inability to break the cycle…to start a NEW pattern…to actually ENJOY BEING ALIVE!

Somebody once said, “Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.” I say: “Life is what happens around us while we are busy managing our boxes.”

Obviously you are NOT abnormal. Your ways are staggeringly normal. My dream, my goal, is one of the most abnormal things in our present age. You can (and most likely will) continue to strive for normalcy. It is the desire of the majority to have something that looks like Life rather than to truly live. Is something “wrong” with you? Obviously this judgment is completely dependent on the one doing the judging. If you want to relate to me, then something is wrong. If you DO NOT want to relate to me, then there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Am I crazy? Certainly, by definition, I am insane. Sanity is a sort of “democratic” condition. Nature demands integration. When unnatural or anti-natural conditions prevail (i.e. gain a majority position, or majority rule), those in the MINORity are deemed abnormal (a statistical term), or insane. You see? MOST of the people CANNOT be “wrong.” As you more than once have said to me: “ASK ANYBODY.” What will happen? Nature will not long tolerate preeminence of the anti-natural. This, I am convinced, is that which is symbolized in myth (Christian and otherwise) as the struggle between good and evil. There is an order to the Universe. Part of that order tends toward occasional disorder. The ORDER will always ultimately prevail.

There are two issues that have caused me great consternation through the years. I thought it fitting to share my thoughts here at Broke Down Spirit. Your feedback and input are invited and welcome! My hope is to find existing studies and writings that address these matters. There’s no use reinventing the wheel, right?

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ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The first issue deals with the emotional and mental challenges presented to parents as they face the psycho-emotional development of their children. As children progress through the various stages of development, at some point their parents are given the opportunity to address aspects of their own personality that may “suffer” from, for lack of a better term, arrested development.

For instance, say the parent experienced some sort of trauma in early adolescence that suspended further normal progress in some area of his or her heart or soul. And then this person hobbles through adolescence into adulthood. Life goes on. Our hypothetical person manages, through various means of compensation (coping), to lead a functional and productive life in spite of the marginalizing effects of their trauma(s).

Let’s say that part of this productive life includes the birth of a child or children. When the child reaches the stage or phase of her development that roughly correlates to the “place” where the parent experienced the cessation of normal development due to his or her psycho-emotional injury, the parent is challenged to reexamine the nature and extent of her handicap. In my opinion this is one major source of conflict between parent and child, and it has the potential to set in motion a cascading generational dysfunction that can have extensive emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical repercussions.

I know that this is a rather simplistic account and that the dynamics are typically much more complex [e.g. there usually are many traumas spread out over time]. My question deals specifically with the parent who is trying to provide guidance and care to a child while they themselves are stuck in their own childhood-for whatever reason.

THE SEARCH FOR INTEGRITY

My quest for answers regarding my second topic has taken me into poorly charted waters. I will attempt here to share some observations and experiences in hopes that it will strike a chord with one or more of you. My perspective is that of a 50 year-old, twice-divorced male who has struggled through a few other relationships. This topic deals with something that I have encountered, to a greater or lesser degree, with EVERY woman with whom I have never been intimately involved. This is not to say that men do not behave in the manner which I am about to describe, I have just not ever been romantically involved with a man. Nor am I saying that we men do not have our own idiosyncrasies. Surely we do. So, do me a favor and don’t try to engage me in any sexist debate.

I might be a little crazy, but I’m not stupid. I do not believe that anyone can ever know everything about another person. But, from time to time, information is needed as a kind of “reality check.” The struggle that I’m about to describe usually rears its head first during “fact checking” regarding the woman’s past or present activities and relationships. I do not believe that it is arbitrarily indicative of insecurity, a compulsion to control, or jealousy (although these are often the retorts used to repel such requests) that either partner in a relationship would ask for information confirmable through other sources (objectivity?) in an attempt to develop trust (reliability) in the relationship. In my experience, the tendency towards deceit in these matters oftentimes seems pathological–lying even when the truth is better and easier.

Having finally learned a lesson or two and becoming less dependent on fact checking, it became evident to me that this “symptom” almost without exception revealed the existence of a much deeper and much more troubling “dis-ease.” [This is the first time that I have ever tried to articulate my thoughts on this matter in such a forum, so please forgive me as I struggle for terms.] Again I want to stress that I am not harping on women, there is no doubt that both sexes fall prey to this malady. I began to suspect, and in a couple of cases have confirmed, that these people who lied when the truth would do better did so with EVERYONE in their life. Nobody but the liar knew the truth, and they lived “little pieces” of their lives with each other person. Going back to the “nobody can ever know everything about another person” thing, like a diamond we all present different facets to other people with whom we relate. But we all don’t do it deceitfully. It is this deceit, and the way it precludes integrity, that I find so troubling.

These people forego integration, or wholeness, for a piecemeal, partitioned, segmented, energy-draining existence. Instead of making reasoned decisions about what they will divulge to whom, they tell each person whatever lie they want or need to tell to get what they want or need from the other person. These dys-integrated ones that I’ve known are all above-average- to high-functioning individuals who possessed great talent and beauty. In spite of their talent, beauty, and productivity they all at some point had come to believe that they were somehow “less than worthy.” All had experienced chronic or acute emotional trauma; such as, hypercritical, domineering, overly protective parents, “messy” divorce, death of a parent, adoption, sexual abuse, and/or religious abuse. They all seemed to be torn between the need and desire to declare autonomy by establishing their own identity and to maintain familial ties.

One of the most striking characteristics of this “lifestyle” is an inability or unwillingness to maintain lasting relationships. The thought of allowing another person to become close enough to see through the painstakingly maintained facade is too much to bear. Any sort of open, real, transparent intimacy or love is not congruent with their “system.” As a result they move from one relationship (obsession), into a “regrouping phase,” and then into another relationship, and so on. Every “failed” attempt further intensifies their sense of unworthiness, and forces them employ more deceit to maintain their system. These wonderful people sacrifice a life of connection for a superficial existence. They surround themselves with other superficial people who either knowingly or unwittingly aid in the perpetuation of their system.

I mentioned “religious abuse” above. I have seen well-meaning, caring Christians beat these troubled souls over the head (and heart) with scripture and opinions regarding the instability and sinfulness of their ways. Some of the worst offenders are parents, who I am sure are so worried that their children will burn in hell that they forget that little part of the Bible about unconditional love and forgiveness. So, when it comes to “getting help,” there’s the rub. They go to church and encounter a system of superficiality based in religion and not conducive to self-disclosure. Actually, I have seen “church” drive the dysintegrated ones even further into their darkness. [Before you take your "Bible bat" to my head, let me assure you that I am a proponent of church fellowship. I am a Christian. I am not saying that all churches are like the ones to which I am hypothetically referring here. I am specifically referring to what I have witnessed in my experiences with these people. I would love to find "church people" who are aware, willing and able to address this issue!]

Another twisted element of this dysfunction is that these people, when they for any of a multitude of reasons, seek psychological or psychiatric help, use the sessions to hone their “skills.” Yes, the best they can muster for the counselor are more lies and partial truths. They sometimes make some great discoveries. Well, they would be great under less abnormal circumstances. Occasionally they will have an epiphany that, for someone not drowning in a sea of surreptitiousness, might be life-changing. But, more often than not, these discoveries and epiphanies amount to Band-Aids on gaping wounds, and provide new weapons for the deceiver’s arsenal.

All too often, the ones stuck in this cycle, when faced with the opportunity and inclination to change their ways, view the opportunity as a gut wrenching choice between two or more “pieces” in their system. They are unable to see a way to step into the light of truth without disrupting their delicately balanced web. Something has to go. In my experience, it has been me. It seems that no matter how accepting I am, no matter how I might give love unconditionally, the concept is so foreign–so insignificant in light of the enormity of the existing system–that it is rejected in favor of the web. [I am not whining; simply stating my experience.]

One of the ways that I have described such systems is “box keeping.” Following is an excerpt from something that I wrote to one of my “significant others” who tends toward the approach I am outlining here. Some of it is situation specific, but I think the illustrations are worth including…

Such integration is elusive. It is difficult to attain. I have ALWAYS desired integration and openness, but I have seen/known only box keepers who devote their energies to maintaining their “soul storage facilities.” I have met few who are truly willing to take the chance to integrate. It amazes me that, while box keepers may disagree with the “choices” made by other box keepers, they will accede to the piecemeal approach to life so typical of box keepers. Too much disapproval of another box keeper’s box keeping threatens the existence of the box keeper’s right to keep boxes. It is better to play along, while it is not TOO uncomfortable, with another box keeper than to upset the shelves and risk the toppling of the keeper’s “system.” Like…what happens when you take an occupant out of the box and, say, go to a movie and it feels good…so you step on out and enjoy a hug…JUST when the occupant of another one of your boxes walks up with his arm around an occupant of one of HIS boxes…and, suddenly, the good feeling you were experiencing with the night’s “chosen toy” goes down the tubes. Forcibly push away the toy of the night and try to regroup! Instead of being able to enjoy the moment, the keeper ends up disconcerted, frustrated, confused, bewildered, and angry. Like: “WHAT THE HELL!? Why can’t I get these occupants to play their parts!?” Or in another setting…what if a keeper thinks that it would be good and right to consider the possibility of actually integrating — of actually taking the chance to process some of the crap with a “significant” box dweller? What if he/she thinks for a moment that MAYBE there’s something to this? It only lasts for a moment. Why? Well, in the next moment, the keeper’s attention is snapped back to his/her shelf, and he/she realizes that to focus attention on one box has the potential of blanking out (or invalidating) the other boxes (parents, sibling(s), “worship” group, church, work, “friends,” other suitors, and so on). No matter what the motivation, the potential or perceived loss is too great for the keeper to bear. Alas, there can be no honesty…there can be no Lasting Momentary Enjoyment…no integrated focus.

Here’s how it works with box keepers: Lie to me. Use me. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your partitions, just DON’T TRY TO BREAK DOWN ANY OF MINE! Symbiosis. [The only problem with the use of the word "symbiosis" here is that the word means "together living"...Greek: sun-bio...I need a word that means "perpetuating non-life." "Zombiosis" perhaps?] Or, on the other side of the coin: Use whoever, Lie to whomever, do whatever you need to maintain your system…the apt box keeper can always rearrange the boxes when things get too uncomfortable (unmanageable).

Part of my request is for feedback relating to these matters. What is it about our society that makes it such a breeding ground for this type of behavior? Is it the superficiality of commercialism, the effects of materialism, the influence of postmodern/existential philosophy that makes mud of truth, the fast-paced nature of our lives, the breakdown of family and community, or what?

Another thing I would like to hear about is a place where these people might “find help.” Is there help? Why have I, in all my years, not ever seen or heard of a psychologist, psychiatrist, or pastor who addresses this issue?

Finally, if you think I am really off-base with this stuff, light me up! I appreciate the challenge and education.