Broke Down Spirit

There are two issues that have caused me great consternation through the years. I thought it fitting to share my thoughts here at Broke Down Spirit. Your feedback and input are invited and welcome! My hope is to find existing studies and writings that address these matters. There’s no use reinventing the wheel, right?

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ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The first issue deals with the emotional and mental challenges presented to parents as they face the psycho-emotional development of their children. As children progress through the various stages of development, at some point their parents are given the opportunity to address aspects of their own personality that may “suffer” from, for lack of a better term, arrested development.

For instance, say the parent experienced some sort of trauma in early adolescence that suspended further normal progress in some area of his or her heart or soul. And then this person hobbles through adolescence into adulthood. Life goes on. Our hypothetical person manages, through various means of compensation (coping), to lead a functional and productive life in spite of the marginalizing effects of their trauma(s).

Let’s say that part of this productive life includes the birth of a child or children. When the child reaches the stage or phase of her development that roughly correlates to the “place” where the parent experienced the cessation of normal development due to his or her psycho-emotional injury, the parent is challenged to reexamine the nature and extent of her handicap. In my opinion this is one major source of conflict between parent and child, and it has the potential to set in motion a cascading generational dysfunction that can have extensive emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical repercussions.

I know that this is a rather simplistic account and that the dynamics are typically much more complex [e.g. there usually are many traumas spread out over time]. My question deals specifically with the parent who is trying to provide guidance and care to a child while they themselves are stuck in their own childhood-for whatever reason.

THE SEARCH FOR INTEGRITY

My quest for answers regarding my second topic has taken me into poorly charted waters. I will attempt here to share some observations and experiences in hopes that it will strike a chord with one or more of you. My perspective is that of a 50 year-old, twice-divorced male who has struggled through a few other relationships. This topic deals with something that I have encountered, to a greater or lesser degree, with EVERY woman with whom I have never been intimately involved. This is not to say that men do not behave in the manner which I am about to describe, I have just not ever been romantically involved with a man. Nor am I saying that we men do not have our own idiosyncrasies. Surely we do. So, do me a favor and don’t try to engage me in any sexist debate.

I might be a little crazy, but I’m not stupid. I do not believe that anyone can ever know everything about another person. But, from time to time, information is needed as a kind of “reality check.” The struggle that I’m about to describe usually rears its head first during “fact checking” regarding the woman’s past or present activities and relationships. I do not believe that it is arbitrarily indicative of insecurity, a compulsion to control, or jealousy (although these are often the retorts used to repel such requests) that either partner in a relationship would ask for information confirmable through other sources (objectivity?) in an attempt to develop trust (reliability) in the relationship. In my experience, the tendency towards deceit in these matters oftentimes seems pathological–lying even when the truth is better and easier.

Having finally learned a lesson or two and becoming less dependent on fact checking, it became evident to me that this “symptom” almost without exception revealed the existence of a much deeper and much more troubling “dis-ease.” [This is the first time that I have ever tried to articulate my thoughts on this matter in such a forum, so please forgive me as I struggle for terms.] Again I want to stress that I am not harping on women, there is no doubt that both sexes fall prey to this malady. I began to suspect, and in a couple of cases have confirmed, that these people who lied when the truth would do better did so with EVERYONE in their life. Nobody but the liar knew the truth, and they lived “little pieces” of their lives with each other person. Going back to the “nobody can ever know everything about another person” thing, like a diamond we all present different facets to other people with whom we relate. But we all don’t do it deceitfully. It is this deceit, and the way it precludes integrity, that I find so troubling.

These people forego integration, or wholeness, for a piecemeal, partitioned, segmented, energy-draining existence. Instead of making reasoned decisions about what they will divulge to whom, they tell each person whatever lie they want or need to tell to get what they want or need from the other person. These dys-integrated ones that I’ve known are all above-average- to high-functioning individuals who possessed great talent and beauty. In spite of their talent, beauty, and productivity they all at some point had come to believe that they were somehow “less than worthy.” All had experienced chronic or acute emotional trauma; such as, hypercritical, domineering, overly protective parents, “messy” divorce, death of a parent, adoption, sexual abuse, and/or religious abuse. They all seemed to be torn between the need and desire to declare autonomy by establishing their own identity and to maintain familial ties.

One of the most striking characteristics of this “lifestyle” is an inability or unwillingness to maintain lasting relationships. The thought of allowing another person to become close enough to see through the painstakingly maintained facade is too much to bear. Any sort of open, real, transparent intimacy or love is not congruent with their “system.” As a result they move from one relationship (obsession), into a “regrouping phase,” and then into another relationship, and so on. Every “failed” attempt further intensifies their sense of unworthiness, and forces them employ more deceit to maintain their system. These wonderful people sacrifice a life of connection for a superficial existence. They surround themselves with other superficial people who either knowingly or unwittingly aid in the perpetuation of their system.

I mentioned “religious abuse” above. I have seen well-meaning, caring Christians beat these troubled souls over the head (and heart) with scripture and opinions regarding the instability and sinfulness of their ways. Some of the worst offenders are parents, who I am sure are so worried that their children will burn in hell that they forget that little part of the Bible about unconditional love and forgiveness. So, when it comes to “getting help,” there’s the rub. They go to church and encounter a system of superficiality based in religion and not conducive to self-disclosure. Actually, I have seen “church” drive the dysintegrated ones even further into their darkness. [Before you take your "Bible bat" to my head, let me assure you that I am a proponent of church fellowship. I am a Christian. I am not saying that all churches are like the ones to which I am hypothetically referring here. I am specifically referring to what I have witnessed in my experiences with these people. I would love to find "church people" who are aware, willing and able to address this issue!]

Another twisted element of this dysfunction is that these people, when they for any of a multitude of reasons, seek psychological or psychiatric help, use the sessions to hone their “skills.” Yes, the best they can muster for the counselor are more lies and partial truths. They sometimes make some great discoveries. Well, they would be great under less abnormal circumstances. Occasionally they will have an epiphany that, for someone not drowning in a sea of surreptitiousness, might be life-changing. But, more often than not, these discoveries and epiphanies amount to Band-Aids on gaping wounds, and provide new weapons for the deceiver’s arsenal.

All too often, the ones stuck in this cycle, when faced with the opportunity and inclination to change their ways, view the opportunity as a gut wrenching choice between two or more “pieces” in their system. They are unable to see a way to step into the light of truth without disrupting their delicately balanced web. Something has to go. In my experience, it has been me. It seems that no matter how accepting I am, no matter how I might give love unconditionally, the concept is so foreign–so insignificant in light of the enormity of the existing system–that it is rejected in favor of the web. [I am not whining; simply stating my experience.]

One of the ways that I have described such systems is “box keeping.” Following is an excerpt from something that I wrote to one of my “significant others” who tends toward the approach I am outlining here. Some of it is situation specific, but I think the illustrations are worth including…

Such integration is elusive. It is difficult to attain. I have ALWAYS desired integration and openness, but I have seen/known only box keepers who devote their energies to maintaining their “soul storage facilities.” I have met few who are truly willing to take the chance to integrate. It amazes me that, while box keepers may disagree with the “choices” made by other box keepers, they will accede to the piecemeal approach to life so typical of box keepers. Too much disapproval of another box keeper’s box keeping threatens the existence of the box keeper’s right to keep boxes. It is better to play along, while it is not TOO uncomfortable, with another box keeper than to upset the shelves and risk the toppling of the keeper’s “system.” Like…what happens when you take an occupant out of the box and, say, go to a movie and it feels good…so you step on out and enjoy a hug…JUST when the occupant of another one of your boxes walks up with his arm around an occupant of one of HIS boxes…and, suddenly, the good feeling you were experiencing with the night’s “chosen toy” goes down the tubes. Forcibly push away the toy of the night and try to regroup! Instead of being able to enjoy the moment, the keeper ends up disconcerted, frustrated, confused, bewildered, and angry. Like: “WHAT THE HELL!? Why can’t I get these occupants to play their parts!?” Or in another setting…what if a keeper thinks that it would be good and right to consider the possibility of actually integrating — of actually taking the chance to process some of the crap with a “significant” box dweller? What if he/she thinks for a moment that MAYBE there’s something to this? It only lasts for a moment. Why? Well, in the next moment, the keeper’s attention is snapped back to his/her shelf, and he/she realizes that to focus attention on one box has the potential of blanking out (or invalidating) the other boxes (parents, sibling(s), “worship” group, church, work, “friends,” other suitors, and so on). No matter what the motivation, the potential or perceived loss is too great for the keeper to bear. Alas, there can be no honesty…there can be no Lasting Momentary Enjoyment…no integrated focus.

Here’s how it works with box keepers: Lie to me. Use me. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your partitions, just DON’T TRY TO BREAK DOWN ANY OF MINE! Symbiosis. [The only problem with the use of the word "symbiosis" here is that the word means "together living"...Greek: sun-bio...I need a word that means "perpetuating non-life." "Zombiosis" perhaps?] Or, on the other side of the coin: Use whoever, Lie to whomever, do whatever you need to maintain your system…the apt box keeper can always rearrange the boxes when things get too uncomfortable (unmanageable).

Part of my request is for feedback relating to these matters. What is it about our society that makes it such a breeding ground for this type of behavior? Is it the superficiality of commercialism, the effects of materialism, the influence of postmodern/existential philosophy that makes mud of truth, the fast-paced nature of our lives, the breakdown of family and community, or what?

Another thing I would like to hear about is a place where these people might “find help.” Is there help? Why have I, in all my years, not ever seen or heard of a psychologist, psychiatrist, or pastor who addresses this issue?

Finally, if you think I am really off-base with this stuff, light me up! I appreciate the challenge and education.