Broke Down Spirit

IF anybody out there is paying attention and has missed my presence here over the last few months, I apologize. Metaphorically speaking, I don’t “have internet” in the cave where I’ve been hiding and my devotion and energy level for journaling and blogging has been pretty low. The days are getting longer…some flowers are starting to poke through the dirt…so I am peeking out again. Well, here goes…something.

I cannot pretend to completely imagine what brings each person to read my rambling thoughts. You might have a sense of “displacement”–or brokenness–your self. You might be married to such a person, or in some other sort of “significant” relationship. You might have a broken and suffering parent, sibling, or child. It could just be peripheral curiosity–a sort of personality voyeurism. It is not my purpose to know these things; although I do sometimes wonder about them…obviously.

Within the past few weeks I have stumbled upon (as if there were any such thing as coincidence) the writings of Hermann Hesse. First, I wondered how his work had eluded me for all this time–why hadn’t I seen this stuff before!? Maybe things just happen when they’re supposed to happen. In any event, Hesse ably articulates and elucidates some concepts that have held my curiosity for decades now. The following passage–from the opening pages of “Steppenwolf”–really put some things “in order” for me. I have no desire to write a “book report” here, so I’m not going to “set this up” for you…just hit on the ideas that jumped out at me.

It was some remembered conversation with Haller that gave me the key to this interpretation. He said to me once when we were talking of the so-called horrors of the Middle Ages: “These horrors were really non-existent. A man of the Middle Ages would detest the whole mode of our present day life as something far more than horrible and cruel, far more than barbarous. Every age, every culture, every custom and tradition has its own character, its own weakness and its own strength, its beauties and cruelties; it accepts certain sufferings as matters of course, puts up patiently with certain evils. Human life is reduced to real suffering, to hell, only when two ages, two cultures and religions overlap. A man of the Classical age who had to live in medieval times would suffocate miserably just as a savage does in the midst of our civilisation. Now there are times when a whole generation is caught in this way between two ages, between two modes of life and thus loses the feeling for itself, for the self-evident, for all morals, for being safe and innocent. Naturally, everyone does not feel this equally strongly. A nature such as Nietzsche’s had to suffer our present ills more than a generation in advance. What he had to go through alone and misunderstood, thousands suffer today.”

I often had to think of these words while reading the records. Haller belongs to those who have been caught between two ages, who are outside of all security and innocence. He belongs to those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell. [Italics added]

I cannot tell you how many times I have wondered if I fell through a crack in the space-time machine…born in the wrong decade or century; the wrong country or continent; or on the wrong planet in the wrong galaxy. My sense of aloneness and displacement has been haunting, persistent, growing, and at time severe. Only relatively recently has it become clear to me that there is a huge difference between “unique” and “weird.” All individuals are, by definition, unique. But there is a sort of statistical scattering when it comes to weirdness. I. am. weird. [The ones who know me in real life would affirm my assertion. Of this I am sure.]

Hesse–especially poignantly in the quoted passage–speaks to me. Here he describes the experiences of “displaced” (or “misplaced”?) persons. It has frequently bugged the piss out of me that “people” seem only to be able to examine other times, ages, and places through the filter of their present scene. While in most cases their filters don’t even allow for any incisive consideration of what’s happening under their noses right NOW. If, in Hesse’s time, there were “thousands” who were experiencing the suffering of “present ills” to the ONE in Nietzsche’s day, then surely there must be millions in our times. I am one of those millions…one of millions out of the thousands of millions (i.e. billions) who currently call Earth home.

Consider with me–for the sake of discussion and accepting Hesse’s contention real struggles emerge when ages, cultures, and religions overlap–that today we are seeing the “overlapping” of a multitude of ages, cultures, and religions. Technological changes–and thus commercial and societal changes–are so rapid that one can see several “overlaps” in one’s own lifetime. What once moved at a pace that gradually affected groups of people over generations can, and do, now wash over large portions of the population over the course of years, months, or even weeks. Whether or not things are moving “too fast” isn’t the question or the problem. What is left in the wake of the tsunamis of change is the problem. [This hits me as a nearly inarguable proposition...but if you can set me straight, I welcome your feedback.]

Back to the regularly scheduled programming…

Where does this leave me? Where does it leave you? Whether you’re struggling with the question, “to be, or not to be,” or struggling with a loved one who is struggling with the question, there clearly is a struggle. Do you think Nietzsche had no one in his life that cared about him? That nobody wanted to or tried to love him? That there wasn’t at least one other person that he wanted to love and with whom he wished to relate? What about ______________? Just fill in the blank with any weird, revolutionary, philosophical, religious, etc. historical figure that comes to mind. Or, more pertinently, just fill it in with “me.” We need to “get real.” We need to decide whether or not we can embrace our own stumbling, bumbling self and move forward with a realization and acceptance of our weirdness. We need to decide whether or not we can embrace and realize and accept the weirdness of our stumbling and bumbling significant others. Just because I’m weird–in the words of a dearly departed friend of mine–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Some other things might, but that doesn’t.

Are you one of those whose fate it is to live the whole riddle of human destiny heightened to the pitch of a personal torture, a personal hell? You are NOT alone.

I am Broken Too…

Peace.

For way too many years I have beaten my self over the head…blamed my self for not understanding enough…for not doing enough…for not being enough…for not caring enough. Thousands of times I have thought and said, “I just don’t get it.” Now I see that I was way too hard on me. Not getting it wasn’t the problem. The problem is that I DO get it…and I don’t like it.

I get it. When people wantto find fault, they find fault. When others want out of a situation or relationship, they find a way out. And, it often involves vitriolic blame cast at the other involved person. Our society conditions victims–not victors. We are conditioned to blame others for anything and everything that doesn’t suit us. Trouble is, we generally have no idea what would suit us…we usually are just railing against stuff that makes us uncomfortable. The object becomes fleeting comfort rather than lasting substance. The flip side of the “wanting out” coin is the “wanting to stay in.” When a relationship is important to those involved, they look for reasons to stay. They look for the good things shared and hope for the good things that may be shared as the relationship progresses. RED FLAG ALERT: Note to Self. When others exhibit repeated expressions of dissatisfaction it means that they are unhappy in the “relationship” and might kill me. Run! [No need to get suicidally frustrated...just get the hell away from them.]

I get it. We are trained to provide — and expect — “disclaimers.” Like, the “socially acceptable” thing for me to do is to open every post with something like this:

I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts, feelings, and observations with you. I hope that you are not offended by what I’m about to say. I might be wrong, but don’t think that I am. These are just my thoughts, and I do not expect you to approve of them. Please don’t be hurt by anything that I say. If I offend you, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can make things right. I really don’t know you (all) well enough to tailor my expressions in such a way as to avoid possibly irritating each and every one of you. I care about you…really, I do.

Please.

I get it. I realized and verbalized (just a few days ago) for the first time ever — in spite of being accused of being a rabid pessimist for most of my life — that I am not. I realized that, to my detriment, I (almost) always look for the good in people. I think that there is a way to “make it work.” That is optimism…right? [On a societal level, though, I am a realist.] People tell me I’m extreme, provocative, pessimistic, intense, that I think too much, yada, yada, yada…for one reason: they are uncomfortable around me. They (1) don’t know how to express their discomfort, (2) don’t care enough about our relationship to express their discomfort, (3) despise me, (4) despise themselves, or (5) don’t/won’t/can’t own their “stuff.” [Not meant to be an exhaustive list...just a few options.] RED FLAG ALERT: Note to Self. When others exhibit repeated expressions of dissatisfaction it means that they are unhappy in the “relationship” and might kill me. Run! [No need to get suicidally frustrated...just get the hell away from them.]

I get it. I now know that I am a person who wants to be known deeply and wants to know deeply. I know that this is my definition of intimacy…mutual, deep knowing. Now, I see that this is a rather odd and futile stance. I am surrounded by people who don’t want to be known, and they don’t really want to know me. It’s all about “the show.” It’s all about being seen…recognized. But, only for the doing, not for the being. Better late than never, I guess. At least I’ve finally figured that one out.

I get it. It doesn’t matter how capable, competent, or caring I am. It doesn’t matter how much I give others credit for being capable, competent, and caring. If they don’t recognize their own competency, they won’t recognize mine. If they don’t recognize mine, they will continue to treat me as some sort of mental and emotional invalid. I am not.

I get it. Fantasy is much more controllable — and comfortable — than reality. Subjectivity is cool because it’s so, well…subjective. Online “friends” are wonderful because we can pretty much Play-Doh them into anything we want them to be. If they start coloring outside the lines, we can tell them how awful they are and mash them down and put them back in the can. Our caring for them doesn’t really exist beyond the self-imposed boundaries of our own mind, so we really aren’t “invested” in the relationship…and we don’t really lose anything when we send them packing.

More to come…

Broken & Blessed

I wrote the following last year to someone who is still significant to me but at some point decided that I had been “demoted” in the ranks of significance to this person. [We'll have to leave it at that.] I was attempting to address what I perceived as this person’s tendency to “partition” life and my desire to live “in the light.” While editing (to protect the innocent) it became glaringly evident to me that I am far too intense and complex to ever have an intimate relationship with this person. I am relieved. I can release my hopes for that and the guilt that I have felt for being unable to “make it work.” I actually feel bad on some level for dragging this person through this for so long. There is little wonder that we couldn’t “get it together.”

I welcome your response to this “stuff.” Just please don’t tell me I’m crazy…I get it. I know that I’m weird. If any of this resonates with you…great. If not…great. This is just a way for me to get some of it out of my head and open for review. [Remember, these pages are open for your contributions as well.]

I have decided that IF I am ever presented again with the opportunity to enter into an intimate relationship with another human being, I will direct them to these writings. That should run off the faint of heart and save us both a lot of trouble.

Here goes…somethin’:

…It is my humble opinion that this type of “arrangement” is established by those who can find no other way to MANAGE life. It involves a process of partitioning…little boxes on little shelves. The “manager” gets little pieces of “gratification” from each little box. When the “occupant” of any given box becomes “too difficult” (challenging, uncomfortable, or unmanageable) the box-keeper tucks the occupant back into the box (because the occupant is obviously the “problem”) and puts the box back on the shelf to wait until the next time around, and moves on to the next box to find another piece of what he or she needs. The cycle continues in this manner until the box keeper wakes up and decides to live — which, in my experience is almost NEVER! I do not know how to live a life that is partitioned in this way, nor do I want to learn. It seems to me to be segmental, non-real, dishonest and non-integrated. I want to experience Life in an integrated way. One of the greatest obstacles to this is the undeniable reality that the overwhelmingly vast majority of people do not seek integration. But, instead, are dead-set on perpetuating the “production.”

The thing about integration is that it requires honesty — which, at first, seems rather brutal (sometimes tough as hell! Impossible even), but later results in rare and great relief and happiness. I have gained some of that on my own…individually…alone. I believe, though, that humans are social creatures and that part of our composition demands interpersonal interaction. I believe that we truly depend on one another for fullness of life. I am convinced that almost all of the maladies (of body, mind, and soul) in our current so-called society are caused by disintegration. What do we do about it/them? We take drugs. We seek counseling. We create more intricate vampiric systems. We die. We kill. And we call it “life” [the grossest of all misnomers]. Box keepers grow to become incapable of Self Honesty. Absent Self Awareness and Self Honesty, there is no hope of relationship that requires honesty with others. The “exercise” becomes one of BLAME (assignment of Guilt) because Personal Responsibility requires Awareness, Honesty, and Authenticity. I have NO idea how people are able to coordinate all of this. How miserable such an existence must be.

Your wish for “one last time knowing this” is your way of saying that you wanted to have control over putting me into “the box” and placing me back on the shelf on YOUR TERMS. Box keepers don’t know what to do when the occupants jump out of the box and suddenly stop playing along with the process. The game depends on the willingness of the occupants to live in boxes. It doesn’t matter what the reason for this willingness is, and the keepers will do just about anything to get and keep an occupant “in the box.” When occupants stop properly playing their assigned roles, the keepers are usually briefly stunned (the extent depends on the amount of access the occupant had been given to the keepers true being) and then becomes rather indignant. SURELY something MUST be WRONG with this occupant! Does he (or she) not realize what he is giving up!? Does he not realize what an honor it is to be allowed to occupy a box on this shelf!?

The whole process depends on carefully controlled lighting. And it’s not the light that is used by the keepers to maintain their charade–it is the shadows created by aptly placed partitions. Just like on stage, the actors (occupants) must follow their cues and not violate the lighting scheme. There are many ways to insure this participation. Successfully directing a play requires that the actors submit to the “director,” the “will of the script,” and other particulars of the production.

Here is why you are tired…your production has been disrupted. You will likely NOT recognize this. You will likely find new and better (?) ways to perpetuate your “scene.” You will likely not let the loss of **** [a friend died] bring you to any resolve concerning your own mortality. You will likely find ways to forestall dealing with your own ultimate end. You will likely NOT recognize my openness and honesty as genuine expressions of my desire to integrate. You will likely take this as an opportunity to fortify your animosity toward me…to identify even more “reasons” that you just CANNOT accept who and what I am.

Yes, children ARE innocent and honest, but they will not be like that for long. They are daily challenged to adopt the “adult” ways of “living.” They are constantly challenged to learn how to box up their feelings, thoughts, desires, goals, inspirations, friendships, sexuality, etc. and to play the game. They are constantly challenged to learn to “live” THROUGH other people instead of learning to live WITH other people. [Actually, I would say that the challenge is to learn to live "vampirically" rather than Vicariously.]

Do we become children again when we are old? No, we do not. We tend to become tired, dissatisfied, weak, troubled, mean, insecure, spiteful invalids who realize that we are dependent on people (our children?) to help us survive. This is the only difference sometimes between old people and babies — the old people KNOW that they are helpless. And what of the children to whom we turn for help? Well, they have (more likely than not) become what we were (and are) and taught them to be — box keepers. So what do we do? We try to convince them, through whatever means necessary and at our disposal, that we “deserve” to be an occupant of one of their boxes. Do we? No, we do not. We do not deserve it any more than our parents deserve to be in a box on one of our shelves. But for some “reason” we, like our parents who taught us the fine art of box keeping, still try to do it. Most people do not become “more real” with age — they become more desperate. They become more willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to put off the reality that they blew it…that their life is a sham. And, no, there is no guarantee that we will become “much older.” There is no guarantee of anything besides this moment, and we typically are too “busy” in this moment mucking around with our boxes to bother with living the life that we have been given to live. We are too busy using past perceived injustices to justify our unwillingness and/or inability to break the cycle…to start a NEW pattern…to actually ENJOY BEING ALIVE!

Somebody once said, “Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.” I say: “Life is what happens around us while we are busy managing our boxes.”

Obviously you are NOT abnormal. Your ways are staggeringly normal. My dream, my goal, is one of the most abnormal things in our present age. You can (and most likely will) continue to strive for normalcy. It is the desire of the majority to have something that looks like Life rather than to truly live. Is something “wrong” with you? Obviously this judgment is completely dependent on the one doing the judging. If you want to relate to me, then something is wrong. If you DO NOT want to relate to me, then there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Am I crazy? Certainly, by definition, I am insane. Sanity is a sort of “democratic” condition. Nature demands integration. When unnatural or anti-natural conditions prevail (i.e. gain a majority position, or majority rule), those in the MINORity are deemed abnormal (a statistical term), or insane. You see? MOST of the people CANNOT be “wrong.” As you more than once have said to me: “ASK ANYBODY.” What will happen? Nature will not long tolerate preeminence of the anti-natural. This, I am convinced, is that which is symbolized in myth (Christian and otherwise) as the struggle between good and evil. There is an order to the Universe. Part of that order tends toward occasional disorder. The ORDER will always ultimately prevail.

There are two issues that have caused me great consternation through the years. I thought it fitting to share my thoughts here at Broke Down Spirit. Your feedback and input are invited and welcome! My hope is to find existing studies and writings that address these matters. There’s no use reinventing the wheel, right?

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ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The first issue deals with the emotional and mental challenges presented to parents as they face the psycho-emotional development of their children. As children progress through the various stages of development, at some point their parents are given the opportunity to address aspects of their own personality that may “suffer” from, for lack of a better term, arrested development.

For instance, say the parent experienced some sort of trauma in early adolescence that suspended further normal progress in some area of his or her heart or soul. And then this person hobbles through adolescence into adulthood. Life goes on. Our hypothetical person manages, through various means of compensation (coping), to lead a functional and productive life in spite of the marginalizing effects of their trauma(s).

Let’s say that part of this productive life includes the birth of a child or children. When the child reaches the stage or phase of her development that roughly correlates to the “place” where the parent experienced the cessation of normal development due to his or her psycho-emotional injury, the parent is challenged to reexamine the nature and extent of her handicap. In my opinion this is one major source of conflict between parent and child, and it has the potential to set in motion a cascading generational dysfunction that can have extensive emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical repercussions.

I know that this is a rather simplistic account and that the dynamics are typically much more complex [e.g. there usually are many traumas spread out over time]. My question deals specifically with the parent who is trying to provide guidance and care to a child while they themselves are stuck in their own childhood-for whatever reason.

THE SEARCH FOR INTEGRITY

My quest for answers regarding my second topic has taken me into poorly charted waters. I will attempt here to share some observations and experiences in hopes that it will strike a chord with one or more of you. My perspective is that of a 50 year-old, twice-divorced male who has struggled through a few other relationships. This topic deals with something that I have encountered, to a greater or lesser degree, with EVERY woman with whom I have never been intimately involved. This is not to say that men do not behave in the manner which I am about to describe, I have just not ever been romantically involved with a man. Nor am I saying that we men do not have our own idiosyncrasies. Surely we do. So, do me a favor and don’t try to engage me in any sexist debate.

I might be a little crazy, but I’m not stupid. I do not believe that anyone can ever know everything about another person. But, from time to time, information is needed as a kind of “reality check.” The struggle that I’m about to describe usually rears its head first during “fact checking” regarding the woman’s past or present activities and relationships. I do not believe that it is arbitrarily indicative of insecurity, a compulsion to control, or jealousy (although these are often the retorts used to repel such requests) that either partner in a relationship would ask for information confirmable through other sources (objectivity?) in an attempt to develop trust (reliability) in the relationship. In my experience, the tendency towards deceit in these matters oftentimes seems pathological–lying even when the truth is better and easier.

Having finally learned a lesson or two and becoming less dependent on fact checking, it became evident to me that this “symptom” almost without exception revealed the existence of a much deeper and much more troubling “dis-ease.” [This is the first time that I have ever tried to articulate my thoughts on this matter in such a forum, so please forgive me as I struggle for terms.] Again I want to stress that I am not harping on women, there is no doubt that both sexes fall prey to this malady. I began to suspect, and in a couple of cases have confirmed, that these people who lied when the truth would do better did so with EVERYONE in their life. Nobody but the liar knew the truth, and they lived “little pieces” of their lives with each other person. Going back to the “nobody can ever know everything about another person” thing, like a diamond we all present different facets to other people with whom we relate. But we all don’t do it deceitfully. It is this deceit, and the way it precludes integrity, that I find so troubling.

These people forego integration, or wholeness, for a piecemeal, partitioned, segmented, energy-draining existence. Instead of making reasoned decisions about what they will divulge to whom, they tell each person whatever lie they want or need to tell to get what they want or need from the other person. These dys-integrated ones that I’ve known are all above-average- to high-functioning individuals who possessed great talent and beauty. In spite of their talent, beauty, and productivity they all at some point had come to believe that they were somehow “less than worthy.” All had experienced chronic or acute emotional trauma; such as, hypercritical, domineering, overly protective parents, “messy” divorce, death of a parent, adoption, sexual abuse, and/or religious abuse. They all seemed to be torn between the need and desire to declare autonomy by establishing their own identity and to maintain familial ties.

One of the most striking characteristics of this “lifestyle” is an inability or unwillingness to maintain lasting relationships. The thought of allowing another person to become close enough to see through the painstakingly maintained facade is too much to bear. Any sort of open, real, transparent intimacy or love is not congruent with their “system.” As a result they move from one relationship (obsession), into a “regrouping phase,” and then into another relationship, and so on. Every “failed” attempt further intensifies their sense of unworthiness, and forces them employ more deceit to maintain their system. These wonderful people sacrifice a life of connection for a superficial existence. They surround themselves with other superficial people who either knowingly or unwittingly aid in the perpetuation of their system.

I mentioned “religious abuse” above. I have seen well-meaning, caring Christians beat these troubled souls over the head (and heart) with scripture and opinions regarding the instability and sinfulness of their ways. Some of the worst offenders are parents, who I am sure are so worried that their children will burn in hell that they forget that little part of the Bible about unconditional love and forgiveness. So, when it comes to “getting help,” there’s the rub. They go to church and encounter a system of superficiality based in religion and not conducive to self-disclosure. Actually, I have seen “church” drive the dysintegrated ones even further into their darkness. [Before you take your "Bible bat" to my head, let me assure you that I am a proponent of church fellowship. I am a Christian. I am not saying that all churches are like the ones to which I am hypothetically referring here. I am specifically referring to what I have witnessed in my experiences with these people. I would love to find "church people" who are aware, willing and able to address this issue!]

Another twisted element of this dysfunction is that these people, when they for any of a multitude of reasons, seek psychological or psychiatric help, use the sessions to hone their “skills.” Yes, the best they can muster for the counselor are more lies and partial truths. They sometimes make some great discoveries. Well, they would be great under less abnormal circumstances. Occasionally they will have an epiphany that, for someone not drowning in a sea of surreptitiousness, might be life-changing. But, more often than not, these discoveries and epiphanies amount to Band-Aids on gaping wounds, and provide new weapons for the deceiver’s arsenal.

All too often, the ones stuck in this cycle, when faced with the opportunity and inclination to change their ways, view the opportunity as a gut wrenching choice between two or more “pieces” in their system. They are unable to see a way to step into the light of truth without disrupting their delicately balanced web. Something has to go. In my experience, it has been me. It seems that no matter how accepting I am, no matter how I might give love unconditionally, the concept is so foreign–so insignificant in light of the enormity of the existing system–that it is rejected in favor of the web. [I am not whining; simply stating my experience.]

One of the ways that I have described such systems is “box keeping.” Following is an excerpt from something that I wrote to one of my “significant others” who tends toward the approach I am outlining here. Some of it is situation specific, but I think the illustrations are worth including…

Such integration is elusive. It is difficult to attain. I have ALWAYS desired integration and openness, but I have seen/known only box keepers who devote their energies to maintaining their “soul storage facilities.” I have met few who are truly willing to take the chance to integrate. It amazes me that, while box keepers may disagree with the “choices” made by other box keepers, they will accede to the piecemeal approach to life so typical of box keepers. Too much disapproval of another box keeper’s box keeping threatens the existence of the box keeper’s right to keep boxes. It is better to play along, while it is not TOO uncomfortable, with another box keeper than to upset the shelves and risk the toppling of the keeper’s “system.” Like…what happens when you take an occupant out of the box and, say, go to a movie and it feels good…so you step on out and enjoy a hug…JUST when the occupant of another one of your boxes walks up with his arm around an occupant of one of HIS boxes…and, suddenly, the good feeling you were experiencing with the night’s “chosen toy” goes down the tubes. Forcibly push away the toy of the night and try to regroup! Instead of being able to enjoy the moment, the keeper ends up disconcerted, frustrated, confused, bewildered, and angry. Like: “WHAT THE HELL!? Why can’t I get these occupants to play their parts!?” Or in another setting…what if a keeper thinks that it would be good and right to consider the possibility of actually integrating — of actually taking the chance to process some of the crap with a “significant” box dweller? What if he/she thinks for a moment that MAYBE there’s something to this? It only lasts for a moment. Why? Well, in the next moment, the keeper’s attention is snapped back to his/her shelf, and he/she realizes that to focus attention on one box has the potential of blanking out (or invalidating) the other boxes (parents, sibling(s), “worship” group, church, work, “friends,” other suitors, and so on). No matter what the motivation, the potential or perceived loss is too great for the keeper to bear. Alas, there can be no honesty…there can be no Lasting Momentary Enjoyment…no integrated focus.

Here’s how it works with box keepers: Lie to me. Use me. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your partitions, just DON’T TRY TO BREAK DOWN ANY OF MINE! Symbiosis. [The only problem with the use of the word "symbiosis" here is that the word means "together living"...Greek: sun-bio...I need a word that means "perpetuating non-life." "Zombiosis" perhaps?] Or, on the other side of the coin: Use whoever, Lie to whomever, do whatever you need to maintain your system…the apt box keeper can always rearrange the boxes when things get too uncomfortable (unmanageable).

Part of my request is for feedback relating to these matters. What is it about our society that makes it such a breeding ground for this type of behavior? Is it the superficiality of commercialism, the effects of materialism, the influence of postmodern/existential philosophy that makes mud of truth, the fast-paced nature of our lives, the breakdown of family and community, or what?

Another thing I would like to hear about is a place where these people might “find help.” Is there help? Why have I, in all my years, not ever seen or heard of a psychologist, psychiatrist, or pastor who addresses this issue?

Finally, if you think I am really off-base with this stuff, light me up! I appreciate the challenge and education.

I am going through the struggles of a new relationship…again. Love with another is too hard to find, and unfortunately it sometimes becomes almost impossible to share. Finally, after several stabs at intimacy over the last thirty-five years, I have seen a pattern emerge. While writing, it occurred to me that these thoughts would fit well here at Broke Down Spirit. So, here you go!

NOTE: I am reading Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Evans and I share some terminology relating to this matter. Her work has provided me with new clarity on the subject. There is no desire or intent on my part to plagiarize her work. If any of this strikes a chord in your soul, please read Evans’ book.

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There have been more times than I can count in my past when I was accused of trying to control another person. These accusations have arisen most often in my attempts to “be in love.” I knew in my heart that this was not true–that I did NOT want to control. I wanted to live and love and share the joys and endure the tough times of relationship. It just never seemed to work out. I think that now I know why. Now I know why others have seen me as a “controller.” Now I know more about why I have seen so many struggles in relating to others. I know why I have said so many times: “I can’t be with you without you. “I can’t fight your fears.” “I am not your enemy.” “I would go to hell and back for you, die for you, fight anything or anybody for you…but I will not fight you for you.”

Somehow I have always chosen women who are under the spell of a controller, or controllers, and/or have become “apprentice controllers” themselves. [Either there is something in me that seeks these women out or there are a whole bunch of them out there and I am statistical prey.] Their lives were defined by the oppression under which they had suffered for most of their lives. The systems that they developed to cope with that oppression usually consisted of sporadic attempts at escaping the spell. They would experience mounting tension as a result of the control of another (usually a parent) and engage in some act of rebellion against the oppression take a peek out of their cell and take a walk on the wild side. They would try to escape the grip that the spell of the controller had over them. I provided a wonderful place of escape…but only for a short time. Once the reality set in that to have a lasting relationship with me would involve actually severing the sick and twisted ties of slavery under the spell, I began to be viewed as an enemy. The expression of my love and desire was seen as a disruption — some sort of kidnapping plot designed to steal the slave from her master. [No wonder I felt like a thief!]

Controllers have devoted their lives to controlling. Their systems of rationalization and justification are practiced and refined over years. The paths that they have traveled are strewn with the wreckage of failed relationships, animosity, strife, and difficulty. In the mind of the controller, though, this is clearly the “fault” of the disobedient subjects of their control. The controllers are unwilling (and possibly on some pathological level, unable) to consider their role in the failure. If others would just cooperate with their desires for them, everything would be “all right.” They constantly seek to form alliances that support their system. This includes gathering others around them who will see things their way, and who will work together with them against the real you. Of course it is not against you because they are doing what is best for you. They strive to eliminate objective witnesses. Anything that does not fit with their system is discarded. The more isolated you are from “witnesses” who can see the situation for what it is and know you as you truly are, the weaker a position you will be in from the alliances s/he has formed with people whom s/he has “convinced” that s/he and only s/he knows “the truth” about who and what you “really” are. [I have known people who had no such witnesses in their lives!] It is difficult enough to attempt to defend yourself against a Controller–but that difficulty is magnified when his/her system includes other people.

One of the easiest and most dangerous forms of this alliance making often appears when the controller employs “God” and religion (church) to lend credence to their system. They join their “truth” with “The Truth” and declare it a sin to disagree with them. There is a plethora of controllers in “the church.” What better way to “lord it over” others than to get the Lord’s help in doing it? This is the essence of religious abuse. E.g. when you try to do something on your own, for your Self, You hear “Obviously your present ‘problem’ is the result of your sinfulness.” Who died and made them God!? No one has the right to make such unsolicited judgments! This amounts to soul rape. “Just go and pray. Eventually you will see it my way.” Ever hear that one?

The spell casting controllers do not care who you really are. Their only concern is what they see for you. You are merely an extension of them. These people think that they have carte blanche, God-given access to your personal reality. They think that they know what is best for you, what you think, what you feel, what you should be doing with your life, your motivations, your dreams, your hopes, your expectations…and they know all of this better than you do. They insist that if anyone disagrees with them, the one who disagrees is wrong–that they are obviously not ready to accept “the truth.” The spell casters have absolutely no respect for you or your ability to make decisions for your Self. Only their judgment is reliable. Yours is faulty and cannot be trusted. [E.g. "If you don't believe me, just look at how you have messed up your life so far!" "Ask anybody, they'll tell you." Of course the "anybodies" are all participants in the abuse.] If you fail to abide by their determinations for your life, you are risking failure, havoc, dissatisfaction, an unfulfilled life, and perhaps even an untimely death. They seek to control your activities, children, diet, wardrobe, relationships, education, thoughts, desires…everything about you!

These controllers have an “image” of what they think you should be. Their energies are devoted to bringing that image to life. Any attempt on your part to develop individual identity (that contradicts the image that they have of you) is seen as rebellion–an attack against the “right” way (their way!). They are unable, due to their rigid demands of their self-created truth, to consider anything you have to say that differs with their image. The self image and self worth of the controller is inseparably linked to his or her “success” in reproducing the image that he or she has of you. They are devastated when you fail to comply. Sometimes it is easier to look at others who are under the spell than to consider your own interaction with them. Ask yourself: How does the controller react when someone else deviates from the controller’s image of them? Does the controller exhibit strong emotional despair? Do they divert their attention onto others in the system to compensate for the perceived loss? Do they intensify their efforts to make sure that others see the importance of their “guidance?” Do they “play others against” one another? Do they use feigned pride in another person’s accomplishments to bolster their disappointment in you or someone else?

Controlled people typically surround themselves with other controlled people, and eventually become controllers themselves. Only others who have suffered under control can “understand what it’s like” and aid in supporting the system, right? It is the only way they know. If they do not realize the patterns, and choose to break free, they are all destined to perpetuate them. Controllers are “built backwards.” They have never learned how to define themselves. Instead, they have created a self image that is entirely dependent on their ability to define others. Part of this magic trick relies on the controller’s belief that those under their spell are unable to truly know themselves apart from the definition provided by the controller. Don’t you see? The controlled one needs the controller to come to this knowledge. Those who live under the controller’s spell are “non-persons” who, in order to secure the love and respect of the controller, become submissive and compliant, and resist becoming separate, whole human beings. The only escape most of these oppressed persons ever know is the occasional, hidden foray into the world of independence. Of course these “adventures” must be kept secret from the controller…they would never understand or accept. The system of deceit and secrecy only further solidifies the dark and twisted existence of the controlled. The guilt and feelings of failure feed right into the controller’s claims that the controlled is incompetent–that they are unable to make decisions for themselves, and cannot live without the “assistance” of the controller. The normal difficulties of life become indicators that the slave has failed to abide by the trustworthy guidance of her master.

Eventually the one who stays under the spell of the controller will become incapable of making quality decisions, unable to enjoy the wonders of wholeness, unwilling and unable to venture beyond the boundaries of the familiar…paralyzed. The ugly thing about this is that the controller actually finds a sick satisfaction in it. They are “pleased” to see that they were “right” all along. See? This person really didn’t know what was best for him. He should have listened to me. Nothing pleases the controller more than to see her slave come crawling back to her in defeat…asking for her help to “fix” things.

Those trapped in this system of oppression feel torn when they try to escape. But what are they torn between? For them, initially it is impossible to make any clear determination or distinction. We (humans) tend to attach “faces” to causes and systems as we try to make sense of what is going on around us. The face and name of the controller is attached to the system of control (along with faces and names of others who are parts of the system). The face and name of another (oftentimes a lover…sometimes an activity, a cause, an artist, a musician, or God?) represents the opportunity for freedom and autonomy…peace, rest, and a calm place away from the storm…a chance to make a decision for something that feels good to the “real person” hiding inside the controlled…something that is a true representation of his/her true identity. The conflict arises as the one who has lived for so long under the dominion of the controller dares to consider that there just might be “a different way.”

What it comes down to, though, is that the controlled one knows no other way to live than that “life” under the spell. She is torn between, on the one side, guilt, lies, fear, oppression, insecurity, need, enmeshed pseudo-identities, and “safety” of the familiar…and on the other side a totally unfamiliar place where she has no idea how she can find fulfillment and satisfaction because it is so terribly different from what she has known for her whole life. It really doesn’t matter that the “other side” offers freedom, peace, calm, security, true identity, respect, and love. The familiar face of the oppressor will most likely prevail over the unfamiliar face of the lover. The lover cannot give adequate answers fast enough to satisfy the fear of the oppressed. He cannot love enough to overcome the effects of years of oppression. She is most likely to return to the comfort of her chains. It is better to be in bondage and “have the answers” than to be free and have to find new answers. The face of freedom is not simply wooing a lover; he is trying to find a way to overcome the effects of a life of oppression and abuse.

The light is too bright…the shadows too comfortable. Subtleties of love and affection, no matter how strongly given or received, are lost in the shit-storm of the spell. Just as the controlled one is becoming something she is not, the lover comes to be seen as something he is not…an enemy. But, in reality, he is an enemy. He is an enemy of the system. He is an enemy of all that is familiar. It doesn’t really matter what all he may be giving or want to give. Ultimately, all that matters is the perception that he is trying to take away the only “life” that the controlled one has ever known. How sad. How deep-sick-feeling-in-the-pit-of-my-gut, strangling-lump-in-my-throat, hot-tears-on-my-face, soul-aching sad.