Broke Down Spirit

I am going through the struggles of a new relationship…again. Love with another is too hard to find, and unfortunately it sometimes becomes almost impossible to share. Finally, after several stabs at intimacy over the last thirty-five years, I have seen a pattern emerge. While writing, it occurred to me that these thoughts would fit well here at Broke Down Spirit. So, here you go!

NOTE: I am reading Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Evans and I share some terminology relating to this matter. Her work has provided me with new clarity on the subject. There is no desire or intent on my part to plagiarize her work. If any of this strikes a chord in your soul, please read Evans’ book.

*****************************************************

There have been more times than I can count in my past when I was accused of trying to control another person. These accusations have arisen most often in my attempts to “be in love.” I knew in my heart that this was not true–that I did NOT want to control. I wanted to live and love and share the joys and endure the tough times of relationship. It just never seemed to work out. I think that now I know why. Now I know why others have seen me as a “controller.” Now I know more about why I have seen so many struggles in relating to others. I know why I have said so many times: “I can’t be with you without you. “I can’t fight your fears.” “I am not your enemy.” “I would go to hell and back for you, die for you, fight anything or anybody for you…but I will not fight you for you.”

Somehow I have always chosen women who are under the spell of a controller, or controllers, and/or have become “apprentice controllers” themselves. [Either there is something in me that seeks these women out or there are a whole bunch of them out there and I am statistical prey.] Their lives were defined by the oppression under which they had suffered for most of their lives. The systems that they developed to cope with that oppression usually consisted of sporadic attempts at escaping the spell. They would experience mounting tension as a result of the control of another (usually a parent) and engage in some act of rebellion against the oppression take a peek out of their cell and take a walk on the wild side. They would try to escape the grip that the spell of the controller had over them. I provided a wonderful place of escape…but only for a short time. Once the reality set in that to have a lasting relationship with me would involve actually severing the sick and twisted ties of slavery under the spell, I began to be viewed as an enemy. The expression of my love and desire was seen as a disruption — some sort of kidnapping plot designed to steal the slave from her master. [No wonder I felt like a thief!]

Controllers have devoted their lives to controlling. Their systems of rationalization and justification are practiced and refined over years. The paths that they have traveled are strewn with the wreckage of failed relationships, animosity, strife, and difficulty. In the mind of the controller, though, this is clearly the “fault” of the disobedient subjects of their control. The controllers are unwilling (and possibly on some pathological level, unable) to consider their role in the failure. If others would just cooperate with their desires for them, everything would be “all right.” They constantly seek to form alliances that support their system. This includes gathering others around them who will see things their way, and who will work together with them against the real you. Of course it is not against you because they are doing what is best for you. They strive to eliminate objective witnesses. Anything that does not fit with their system is discarded. The more isolated you are from “witnesses” who can see the situation for what it is and know you as you truly are, the weaker a position you will be in from the alliances s/he has formed with people whom s/he has “convinced” that s/he and only s/he knows “the truth” about who and what you “really” are. [I have known people who had no such witnesses in their lives!] It is difficult enough to attempt to defend yourself against a Controller–but that difficulty is magnified when his/her system includes other people.

One of the easiest and most dangerous forms of this alliance making often appears when the controller employs “God” and religion (church) to lend credence to their system. They join their “truth” with “The Truth” and declare it a sin to disagree with them. There is a plethora of controllers in “the church.” What better way to “lord it over” others than to get the Lord’s help in doing it? This is the essence of religious abuse. E.g. when you try to do something on your own, for your Self, You hear “Obviously your present ‘problem’ is the result of your sinfulness.” Who died and made them God!? No one has the right to make such unsolicited judgments! This amounts to soul rape. “Just go and pray. Eventually you will see it my way.” Ever hear that one?

The spell casting controllers do not care who you really are. Their only concern is what they see for you. You are merely an extension of them. These people think that they have carte blanche, God-given access to your personal reality. They think that they know what is best for you, what you think, what you feel, what you should be doing with your life, your motivations, your dreams, your hopes, your expectations…and they know all of this better than you do. They insist that if anyone disagrees with them, the one who disagrees is wrong–that they are obviously not ready to accept “the truth.” The spell casters have absolutely no respect for you or your ability to make decisions for your Self. Only their judgment is reliable. Yours is faulty and cannot be trusted. [E.g. "If you don't believe me, just look at how you have messed up your life so far!" "Ask anybody, they'll tell you." Of course the "anybodies" are all participants in the abuse.] If you fail to abide by their determinations for your life, you are risking failure, havoc, dissatisfaction, an unfulfilled life, and perhaps even an untimely death. They seek to control your activities, children, diet, wardrobe, relationships, education, thoughts, desires…everything about you!

These controllers have an “image” of what they think you should be. Their energies are devoted to bringing that image to life. Any attempt on your part to develop individual identity (that contradicts the image that they have of you) is seen as rebellion–an attack against the “right” way (their way!). They are unable, due to their rigid demands of their self-created truth, to consider anything you have to say that differs with their image. The self image and self worth of the controller is inseparably linked to his or her “success” in reproducing the image that he or she has of you. They are devastated when you fail to comply. Sometimes it is easier to look at others who are under the spell than to consider your own interaction with them. Ask yourself: How does the controller react when someone else deviates from the controller’s image of them? Does the controller exhibit strong emotional despair? Do they divert their attention onto others in the system to compensate for the perceived loss? Do they intensify their efforts to make sure that others see the importance of their “guidance?” Do they “play others against” one another? Do they use feigned pride in another person’s accomplishments to bolster their disappointment in you or someone else?

Controlled people typically surround themselves with other controlled people, and eventually become controllers themselves. Only others who have suffered under control can “understand what it’s like” and aid in supporting the system, right? It is the only way they know. If they do not realize the patterns, and choose to break free, they are all destined to perpetuate them. Controllers are “built backwards.” They have never learned how to define themselves. Instead, they have created a self image that is entirely dependent on their ability to define others. Part of this magic trick relies on the controller’s belief that those under their spell are unable to truly know themselves apart from the definition provided by the controller. Don’t you see? The controlled one needs the controller to come to this knowledge. Those who live under the controller’s spell are “non-persons” who, in order to secure the love and respect of the controller, become submissive and compliant, and resist becoming separate, whole human beings. The only escape most of these oppressed persons ever know is the occasional, hidden foray into the world of independence. Of course these “adventures” must be kept secret from the controller…they would never understand or accept. The system of deceit and secrecy only further solidifies the dark and twisted existence of the controlled. The guilt and feelings of failure feed right into the controller’s claims that the controlled is incompetent–that they are unable to make decisions for themselves, and cannot live without the “assistance” of the controller. The normal difficulties of life become indicators that the slave has failed to abide by the trustworthy guidance of her master.

Eventually the one who stays under the spell of the controller will become incapable of making quality decisions, unable to enjoy the wonders of wholeness, unwilling and unable to venture beyond the boundaries of the familiar…paralyzed. The ugly thing about this is that the controller actually finds a sick satisfaction in it. They are “pleased” to see that they were “right” all along. See? This person really didn’t know what was best for him. He should have listened to me. Nothing pleases the controller more than to see her slave come crawling back to her in defeat…asking for her help to “fix” things.

Those trapped in this system of oppression feel torn when they try to escape. But what are they torn between? For them, initially it is impossible to make any clear determination or distinction. We (humans) tend to attach “faces” to causes and systems as we try to make sense of what is going on around us. The face and name of the controller is attached to the system of control (along with faces and names of others who are parts of the system). The face and name of another (oftentimes a lover…sometimes an activity, a cause, an artist, a musician, or God?) represents the opportunity for freedom and autonomy…peace, rest, and a calm place away from the storm…a chance to make a decision for something that feels good to the “real person” hiding inside the controlled…something that is a true representation of his/her true identity. The conflict arises as the one who has lived for so long under the dominion of the controller dares to consider that there just might be “a different way.”

What it comes down to, though, is that the controlled one knows no other way to live than that “life” under the spell. She is torn between, on the one side, guilt, lies, fear, oppression, insecurity, need, enmeshed pseudo-identities, and “safety” of the familiar…and on the other side a totally unfamiliar place where she has no idea how she can find fulfillment and satisfaction because it is so terribly different from what she has known for her whole life. It really doesn’t matter that the “other side” offers freedom, peace, calm, security, true identity, respect, and love. The familiar face of the oppressor will most likely prevail over the unfamiliar face of the lover. The lover cannot give adequate answers fast enough to satisfy the fear of the oppressed. He cannot love enough to overcome the effects of years of oppression. She is most likely to return to the comfort of her chains. It is better to be in bondage and “have the answers” than to be free and have to find new answers. The face of freedom is not simply wooing a lover; he is trying to find a way to overcome the effects of a life of oppression and abuse.

The light is too bright…the shadows too comfortable. Subtleties of love and affection, no matter how strongly given or received, are lost in the shit-storm of the spell. Just as the controlled one is becoming something she is not, the lover comes to be seen as something he is not…an enemy. But, in reality, he is an enemy. He is an enemy of the system. He is an enemy of all that is familiar. It doesn’t really matter what all he may be giving or want to give. Ultimately, all that matters is the perception that he is trying to take away the only “life” that the controlled one has ever known. How sad. How deep-sick-feeling-in-the-pit-of-my-gut, strangling-lump-in-my-throat, hot-tears-on-my-face, soul-aching sad.